I immediately see the symbolism of the choreography that is unfolding before my eyes, and how it relates to my own life at this moment.  The eagle is pure consciousness, the supreme sovereign, that which is eternal, and unbound.  The crow is the ego aspect of the mind, that which is unconscious, transient and distinctly mortal.  The ego is constantly trying to maintain control of the individual consciousness and will resort to nearly any means to assert its will and dominance.  It’s uncanny in its ability to determine exactly when you are most vulnerable to its influence.  I have worked for years at subduing the power the ego has upon my thoughts, words, behavior and character.  I have become very astute at knowing when it is present, even in subtle form.  Generally I am aware of when it surfaces, or is trying to seize control.  But I am not beyond being humbled by its sudden resurrections!

The recent financial stress, the fear and uncertainty of not being able to meet my obligations created the perfect climate for the ego to take prominence.  I found my mind increasingly beleaguered by negative and self-limited thinking.  Always an indication, that the ego has made an entrance.  I began to interpret my current situation as a reflection of my personal value and worth, identifying myself with my corrosive thoughts and feelings.  I was placing unreasonable demands upon myself, insisting that I DO something to alleviate my circumstances. Try harder!  Take control!  Use more effort!  Side note:  effort fueled by fear creates contraction, contraction creates disconnection, disconnection, creates isolation. I was spiraling into an ever widening and dark abyss.  DANGER WILL ROBINSON!  It has been along time since I have felt pulled into the current of unconsciousness.  I no longer felt the ever present, peace and stillness of my being.  I felt, as dramatically as it may sound, that I had been abducted and was being held hostage by a self proclaimed anarchist. Actually that is a fairly accurate assessment of what had happened.  I was no longer awake, aware, or present… the ego was at the helm!

Do you know what finally woke me up, several days later?  Pain.  Pain is the great Awakener.  I was creating a reality that was UNREAL. None of what I was thinking was actually happening.  I was creating an inferno of self-imposed suffering. “Suffering is an absence of presence.” I heard internally the illuminating truth, the power of my own words, of my most intimate understanding.  I realized in that moment the fictional, and illusionary quality of my fear, how I had drawn apocalyptic conclusions about my situation, which I had ignorantly equated with my life!  How I was judging my experience, instead of merely observing it.  Do you see how swiftly the ego aspect of the mind can commandeer our lives and create havoc if we are not Mindful?  You see, the mind both binds, and liberates. This is the paradox.  My mind had put me into an airless box without windows, yet it also in the end, freed me.  It’s not that I didn’t know all of what I just recited prior to the experience, I did.  Thus is the power of fear to undermine our skills, and compromise our abilities.

This is the interesting thing about life we are never done learning, growing, expanding and evolving, no matter whom we are.  As a teacher I am first and foremost a student.  We are all challenged to practice, to live according to our deepest truth and understanding. Becoming impartial to our experience is very important in spiritual life, being able to accept with equanimity whatever arises.  This deep acceptance of what is, is the true home of faith, peace and happiness. I continue to learn this.

As soon as I woke up, { began to consciously observe my mind } the serene and meditative quality that normally characterizes my state of being returned spontaneously.  It was always there. I am the one who departed when I became possessed by the throes of a panicked ego. Nothing in my external world has changed and yet I am at peace.  Was the whole process really necessary?  Is there anything in life that does not serve our evolution?  Experience, has wisely taught me, not to judge how I am transformed, or awakened. I have also learned the value of not destructively criticizing or blaming myself for my lapse of awareness.  Each time, I know that a profound transformation has occurred, a shift that invariably brings greater clarity and understanding.  I am brought to my knees and humbled, certain of only one thing… still breathing.

I am so grateful for what I have, for the gift and grace that is my life.

santidevi

Whenever you decide not to be a mere bystander of your own life you are bound to encounter the voice of the inner critic. This critic is an aspect of the ego. The ego fears change. Change equates to a loss of control and fuels a sense of instability and uncertainty. The ego is intolerant of anything that may compromise its sovereign rule. So the ego very skillfully plays upon your fears, insecurities, and feelings of inadequacy.  It manipulates you into compliancy by fostering anxiety, depression and even self destructive behavior. The critical voice is intended to dissuade you from pursuing the very initiatives that will foster awareness and spiritual growth. It abhors risk of any kind!

 The ego does not want to be eclipsed by the directives of the soul. It does not  want to lose command and will use every tactic at its disposal to weaken and undermine your relationship to your true Self.  To truth itself.  It will doing everything within its power to convince you that you are ill qualified to make independent choices in regard to your own life.  It will provide one example after another of your failed attempts to fulfill your dreams and aspirations.  In truth it is merely trying to protect you from the very learning experiences that will awaken and liberate you.  From the process of  Self realization.

Know that the critical voice in and of itself has absolutely no power!  The only power it has ever had is the power you have given it. That power is truth.  Whatever you believe to be true has power!  The critic isn’t the voice of truth, it is the voice of fear. And it’s source is the ego.  

In the Wizard of Oz, Oz rules as a result of presenting himself as a fearsome and unapproachable ruler.  His subjects believe that he is omnipotent, omniscient, and omnipresent, in essence God like.  They wouldn’t think of defying his rule out of fear of the consequences. Yet Dorothy and her entourage in their complete innocence discover that Oz is indeed just a scared old man hiding behind a curtain. He himself is lost and far from home.[ from his true nature] His fear led him to create a persona of greatness and power, an illusion to belie the truth of his mere mortal status. Oz represents the “ego self” masquerading as the Divine, the all powerful!  Once you awaken to the truth the ego can no longer pretend to be something that its not. Its reign is over.  This is the beginning of liberation.

So how do you begin to depose the charlatan and silence the inner critic?  Let me ask you this.  What do you do when a child is frightened?  Do you try to comfort and reassure them?  As the adult do you take the appropriate measures to assure their safety and well being?  When the critic surfaces approach it as you would a child who feels lost and afraid.  Be gentle and compassionate. Listen to its concerns. Nothing is ever one by force, don’t attempt to challenge or dispute its claims. You can very skillfully take the helm without confrontation or conflict.  By listening without judgement or quarrel you assume the position of authority it once held. Reassure it that it’s natural to feel lost and uncertain in times of transition. By observing it without prejudice or attachment you will lessen its ability to influence you. If you consistently refuse to give credence to this negative commentary it will eventually become ineffectual that is, it will have completely lost its power to manipulate and control your thoughts and behavior. 

Your true Self is awaiting the moment when you awaken.  When you surrender to the unknown. This very moment free yourself from the tirade of the ego, from the illusion of its control. Connect to the aspect of yourself that is fearless. This is your true nature. It is spontaneous and responsive to the ever changing phenomenon that is Life. It revels in the joy, beauty and grace inherent in what Is. Take the helm, dare to live the life you’ve imagined!

santidevi