Get on the elevator, stand in awkward silence with others that seem to be bracing themselves for a day in a box.  It is a monochromatic landscape despite the fuschia colored orchids in the lobby, the kind of environment that one wants to scream in or do something entirely inappropriate just to see if anyone has pulse enough to respond.  Do other people have such thoughts?  The spirit in me feels blindfolded and abducted, and the rebel looks for every opportunity to enter into the revolving door that leads to my other world.  How did I land here?

I file leases into perfect numerical order, according to range and township.  My mind adjusts to a new environment to work repetitive and numbing.  The copy machine, a marvel of technological wonder creates one perfect duplicate after another that I staple and stack into manila folders.  Time seems to move in slow motion, nine to five.  Stacks of paper, each one a lesson in Latin look pale under fluorescent lighting. My mind tires, my body longs to move, I wrestle with boredom and tedium in equal measure.  The more I wish I were anywhere else the more misery I create for myself. While I am here pondering my new existence, earthquakes shake the planet, people die in a swift moment without warning, pain and suffering erupts globally.  Impermanence, it is the one certainty.

Admittedly my most recent employment has felt imposed not organic, foreign not familiar, contrary to my nature not nourishing. I  have struggled to find meaning and purpose in this twist of fate. Every imaginable emotion has surged through my body, anger, frustration, relief, failure, immeasurable gratitude, and even despair. Was I ‘selling out’, giving up on the most passionate work of my life, was accepting this position a sign of resignation and defeat, or simply an act of self preservation?  My mind in it’s ‘fight or flight mode’ was fatalistically preoccupied with trying to interpret my latest set of circumstances. Self inquiry.  Who is creating this suffering, who feels defeated and valueless?  EGO. I wake up, and all of the noise of my fretful chaotic mind dissolves.  Simple awareness.

For the past three decades I have served the world through a livelihood that is consistent with who I am and what I value; serving humanity by awakening consciousness.  My path has allowed me to express my innate skills and abilities and has nourished my heart and soul.  I have never seen work as a ‘means to an end,’ as something one does simply to get from one day to the next.  I think of work as vocation, a true calling.  This calling comes from deep within our being, from a ‘knowing’ and longing that seeks to fulfill itself. My commitment to this inner knowing has been absolute, my faith and dedication unwavering. There has been no greater singular priority in my life than to honor that internal truth and to integrate it into my life.

‘Knowing’ has not led me to my current position, necessity has.  Perhaps this is the real reason behind my rebellion, on some level I felt I had no other choice.  After months of trying to find work I was more financially desperate than I have ever been. Normally I would consider having work when I needed it grace, but given the nature of the work it has felt more like penance.  For years I have had the luxury of determining the choreography of my days, of  choosing how I would spend my time and focus my energy.  There was an organic and natural flow that was completely  influenced by my own internal rhythm and directive.  There was space for spontaneity, freedom and magic.  Is there now?

Making peace with where I am has proven to be a greater challenge than I could have ever imagined. Embracing my situation has taken conscious effort, time, and a willingness to suspend my perception of how things should be. Apparently my work isn’t limited to specific environments, to spiritual communities, yoga studio’s, satsang audiences, and private students. Experience tells me that nothing in life is without purpose, value or meaning. I am where I am for a reason and rejecting ‘what is,’ only deepens the chasm between myself and the truth that is emerging. When I wake up, settle into the present, into my body, it’s enough, more than enough to be exactly where I am.

As soon as I let go of my judgement, my resistance and rebellion a beautiful thing happened… I was able to help one of my co-worker’s with his fear of flying, lend an open heart to someone who needed to cry, and offer a ‘listening presence’ to someone in need. I may have the opportunity to offer meditation in my workplace as part of a well being initiative. I get out of the way, I let go. I free fall into surrender, to the magnetic pull of the compass that lies at the center of my Soul.  I let go of my critical mind, of my attachment, and I bow once again to the mystery that propels my life and keeps me ever on my toes.

still evolving,

Santidevi

I immediately see the symbolism of the choreography that is unfolding before my eyes, and how it relates to my own life at this moment.  The eagle is pure consciousness, the supreme sovereign, that which is eternal, and unbound.  The crow is the ego aspect of the mind, that which is unconscious, transient and distinctly mortal.  The ego is constantly trying to maintain control of the individual consciousness and will resort to nearly any means to assert its will and dominance.  It’s uncanny in its ability to determine exactly when you are most vulnerable to its influence.  I have worked for years at subduing the power the ego has upon my thoughts, words, behavior and character.  I have become very astute at knowing when it is present, even in subtle form.  Generally I am aware of when it surfaces, or is trying to seize control.  But I am not beyond being humbled by its sudden resurrections!

The recent financial stress, the fear and uncertainty of not being able to meet my obligations created the perfect climate for the ego to take prominence.  I found my mind increasingly beleaguered by negative and self-limited thinking.  Always an indication, that the ego has made an entrance.  I began to interpret my current situation as a reflection of my personal value and worth, identifying myself with my corrosive thoughts and feelings.  I was placing unreasonable demands upon myself, insisting that I DO something to alleviate my circumstances. Try harder!  Take control!  Use more effort!  Side note:  effort fueled by fear creates contraction, contraction creates disconnection, disconnection, creates isolation. I was spiraling into an ever widening and dark abyss.  DANGER WILL ROBINSON!  It has been along time since I have felt pulled into the current of unconsciousness.  I no longer felt the ever present, peace and stillness of my being.  I felt, as dramatically as it may sound, that I had been abducted and was being held hostage by a self proclaimed anarchist. Actually that is a fairly accurate assessment of what had happened.  I was no longer awake, aware, or present… the ego was at the helm!

Do you know what finally woke me up, several days later?  Pain.  Pain is the great Awakener.  I was creating a reality that was UNREAL. None of what I was thinking was actually happening.  I was creating an inferno of self-imposed suffering. “Suffering is an absence of presence.” I heard internally the illuminating truth, the power of my own words, of my most intimate understanding.  I realized in that moment the fictional, and illusionary quality of my fear, how I had drawn apocalyptic conclusions about my situation, which I had ignorantly equated with my life!  How I was judging my experience, instead of merely observing it.  Do you see how swiftly the ego aspect of the mind can commandeer our lives and create havoc if we are not Mindful?  You see, the mind both binds, and liberates. This is the paradox.  My mind had put me into an airless box without windows, yet it also in the end, freed me.  It’s not that I didn’t know all of what I just recited prior to the experience, I did.  Thus is the power of fear to undermine our skills, and compromise our abilities.

This is the interesting thing about life we are never done learning, growing, expanding and evolving, no matter whom we are.  As a teacher I am first and foremost a student.  We are all challenged to practice, to live according to our deepest truth and understanding. Becoming impartial to our experience is very important in spiritual life, being able to accept with equanimity whatever arises.  This deep acceptance of what is, is the true home of faith, peace and happiness. I continue to learn this.

As soon as I woke up, { began to consciously observe my mind } the serene and meditative quality that normally characterizes my state of being returned spontaneously.  It was always there. I am the one who departed when I became possessed by the throes of a panicked ego. Nothing in my external world has changed and yet I am at peace.  Was the whole process really necessary?  Is there anything in life that does not serve our evolution?  Experience, has wisely taught me, not to judge how I am transformed, or awakened. I have also learned the value of not destructively criticizing or blaming myself for my lapse of awareness.  Each time, I know that a profound transformation has occurred, a shift that invariably brings greater clarity and understanding.  I am brought to my knees and humbled, certain of only one thing… still breathing.

I am so grateful for what I have, for the gift and grace that is my life.

santidevi

Whenever you decide not to be a mere bystander of your own life you are bound to encounter the voice of the inner critic. This critic is an aspect of the ego. The ego fears change. Change equates to a loss of control and fuels a sense of instability and uncertainty. The ego is intolerant of anything that may compromise its sovereign rule. So the ego very skillfully plays upon your fears, insecurities, and feelings of inadequacy.  It manipulates you into compliancy by fostering anxiety, depression and even self destructive behavior. The critical voice is intended to dissuade you from pursuing the very initiatives that will foster awareness and spiritual growth. It abhors risk of any kind!

 The ego does not want to be eclipsed by the directives of the soul. It does not  want to lose command and will use every tactic at its disposal to weaken and undermine your relationship to your true Self.  To truth itself.  It will doing everything within its power to convince you that you are ill qualified to make independent choices in regard to your own life.  It will provide one example after another of your failed attempts to fulfill your dreams and aspirations.  In truth it is merely trying to protect you from the very learning experiences that will awaken and liberate you.  From the process of  Self realization.

Know that the critical voice in and of itself has absolutely no power!  The only power it has ever had is the power you have given it. That power is truth.  Whatever you believe to be true has power!  The critic isn’t the voice of truth, it is the voice of fear. And it’s source is the ego.  

In the Wizard of Oz, Oz rules as a result of presenting himself as a fearsome and unapproachable ruler.  His subjects believe that he is omnipotent, omniscient, and omnipresent, in essence God like.  They wouldn’t think of defying his rule out of fear of the consequences. Yet Dorothy and her entourage in their complete innocence discover that Oz is indeed just a scared old man hiding behind a curtain. He himself is lost and far from home.[ from his true nature] His fear led him to create a persona of greatness and power, an illusion to belie the truth of his mere mortal status. Oz represents the “ego self” masquerading as the Divine, the all powerful!  Once you awaken to the truth the ego can no longer pretend to be something that its not. Its reign is over.  This is the beginning of liberation.

So how do you begin to depose the charlatan and silence the inner critic?  Let me ask you this.  What do you do when a child is frightened?  Do you try to comfort and reassure them?  As the adult do you take the appropriate measures to assure their safety and well being?  When the critic surfaces approach it as you would a child who feels lost and afraid.  Be gentle and compassionate. Listen to its concerns. Nothing is ever one by force, don’t attempt to challenge or dispute its claims. You can very skillfully take the helm without confrontation or conflict.  By listening without judgement or quarrel you assume the position of authority it once held. Reassure it that it’s natural to feel lost and uncertain in times of transition. By observing it without prejudice or attachment you will lessen its ability to influence you. If you consistently refuse to give credence to this negative commentary it will eventually become ineffectual that is, it will have completely lost its power to manipulate and control your thoughts and behavior. 

Your true Self is awaiting the moment when you awaken.  When you surrender to the unknown. This very moment free yourself from the tirade of the ego, from the illusion of its control. Connect to the aspect of yourself that is fearless. This is your true nature. It is spontaneous and responsive to the ever changing phenomenon that is Life. It revels in the joy, beauty and grace inherent in what Is. Take the helm, dare to live the life you’ve imagined!

santidevi