Here I am.  Stripped of all of my roles, anonymous and unclothed.  It is a strange freedom that is both terrifying to the marrow and as seductive as new love.  The canvas is stark and white and waiting.  I hesitate.  I listen.  The noise of my mind rushes in to fill the gap, to ease the silence.  But I am at home in not knowing, living with ambiguity has become a blessing. The doors are open and the dark beasts roam freely.  We dine in open air splendor without a care.  What was once hidden in the black of the abyss becomes seen in the light of day. How long I have waited for such a stripping of myself, of the holy layers of my human life?  This intimacy is succulent and ripe.  Surrender.  What will be left after the splay?  Oh so many deaths has this one life been.

The wheel is turning and I am still.  All of the attachments, identifications, and inflation are fed to the flames of the eternal pyre.  There is no knowing left, no fixed constellation of Self. I navigate by intuition, leaving behind all of the volumes of ‘ what to do now.’

My historical self as fictional as any notion of separation. The moment holds no then, or when, or even why.  This is the terror that the sleeping face and deny.  Swallowed by the embrace of mortality, of the fleeting truth of I.  Even the solid is on closer look a dance of space and molecules.

I wash the dishes and sweep the floor, make the beds, and wash the toilets.  Liberation has never been so sweet.  I am taken in and out like a long breath, like Sat Nam on a Sunday morning.  My current guru’s are new to the world and filled with wisdom and truth.  The two year old told me yesterday that my job was to “love them.”  She knows my work in the world, she knows why I came and why I stay.  To her, I am simply her Santima someone who mysteriously appears and disappears, just like we do.

This contentment fills my body until the last twelve months of my life disappears into the archives.  Without this faith that carries me across the water, I would have drowned before I ever spoke a thankful word.  My beloved how deep the well of my love, of my gratitude…

Santidevi

the mantra forms in my belly, an embryo of it’s own making.

dissolving once again and the soil beneath me slips away.

tethered  to this world only by the beat of my heart.

i am scraped clean, and splayed into the freedom of nothingness.

the gypsy north wind is blowing and my skirt rises to a cloudless sky.

my beloved keeps my pulse steady, and the mystic in my eyes.

no more checking my Self at the door, my elevator world comes to an end.

the smell of the earth, naked skin in the sun, a growing absence of I.

i fear not the losses, a string of

pearls plucked from the sea.

i have grown old into non Self and now there is no mortality that paralyzes my earthly bones.

i  can endure the red, black and white, the fire of the eternal One, but not a moment

without you.

awakened in you i doth not sleep.

feed me your tender kisses my beloved, and lie inside my body this night.

there is no me with you.

santidevi

I have always believed in signs, in synchronicity and otherwise magical happenstance. Whenever I have needed direction it has always appeared in an illuminating and spontaneous way.  Lyrics to a song inspire me to take a risk, words on a billboard answer the question I have been pondering, someone gives me the very thing I have been needing most etc…  I have learned through experience, that my life is being choreographed in concert with my purpose, despite my best effort at times, to derail myself. There is a constant resonance happening between my deepest longing, and life’s desire to fulfill it.  It doesn’t require effort on my part, merely an unshakable trust, and a willingness to suspend my judgement and fear.

This is what I love most about life, it is never certain.  I know your wondering how I can possibly be sincere in this sentiment.  Understandably confusing if you have read my past few posts.  Let me clarify.  Now that I have my bearings once more, I am remembering how valuable uncertainty really is. When I am uncertain, on some level I am aware of the immense possibilities pulsing just beneath the surface.  I am no longer trapped by what I know, but freed by what I don’t.  In the face of the unknown I am asked to surrender, to have faith in the beauty and benevolence of life, in the goodness of humanity.  To let go of all preconceived notions about what is and isn’t possible in the world. To possess the qualities of a beginner’s mind.

I have never been able to determine my course, which I am sure has been an act of grace!  I am simply taken to where I am needed most. Whenever I have tried to manipulate or control the direction of my life, usually through stubborn willfulness, I am inevitably cast to and fro in a abyss of self-doubt and misery.  Exhausting and overwhelming myself in the process.  Yet when I surrender to the prevailing forces, those that are intuitively trying to lead me, a sense of calm and peace ensues.

There is an immense joy that is arising as I relax more fully into this uncertain, but amazingly adventurous life of mine. This heroine’s journey is a mapless exploration, yet I am guided in a powerful and deeply gratifying way.  I seem to know I am going in the right direction, even when I feel  hopelessly lost.  The trials and tribulations, the obstacles, and challenges continue to be the catalyst of my character development!  In the ninth hour, when all seems insanely futile, and all for naught, the miraculous happens… I find my way.

It doesn’t matter what I do to earn my living as long as I continue to be who I am, to live with a humble and grateful heart.  I have awakened once more to what is of real importance to me.  It has been my true souls desire not to be corrupted by the pain and suffering inherent in human life but to live as an embodiment of unconditional love, compassion, wisdom and truth, to remain authentic, simple and childlike in my nature.  To live according to my highest understanding.  So let the north wind blow…

santidevi

My life has never felt so precarious. My strategy has always been not to live with a plan.  I have never been a logical sort or one to trust in the rational.  I love the uncertainty, and the feeling of possibility that it ignites. I know that whatever my simple mind can construct as a worthy goal, would be a mere shadow of what the spirit in me is destined for.  I trust in the synchronicities, in the seemingly coincidental, and I look for signs.  I listen.  Living in this way requires a certain amount of detachment, a lessening of personal agenda and in the end a true surrender to an unconventional life.  There are times when I have questioned my course, when I’ve made hard choices based on my personal value system and integrity, and not on what made sense.  Suddenly changing direction just when my life had taken on some semblance of stability and order. I have learned not to get too comfortable, or to presume upon my circumstances.  It suits my sensibilities to be adaptively flexible, to allow my life to transform at will.

In this fasting I have realized ever more clearly the value I place upon being absolutely true to my Self.  Living in harmony with my true nature and expressing it in word, action and deed.  Bringing my spirit into the world in a way that has value and meaning.  Returning to the simple as my guide. I choose to live with gratitude and reverence, to greet each moment with awareness.  I Am, all that I seek.  This truth fills me with peace.  I live knowing that I am fulfilling my purpose, that my very existence is a divine blessing.  My body is empty, but my heart is full.  At day 24, I am surrendering ever more deeply to the quiet depths of my Soul, bowing still.

santidevi

My savings becomes nearly obsolete.  No work.  I head to Orvis.  It is refuge for my soul. Surrounded by the San Juans I find my breath.  I float on my back as cold rain falls.  A holy baptism. I dive under the water with darkening skies overhead.  I am anonymous, boundless and free.  The sounds of the world are muted and distant.  In a symphony of silence my mind dissolves.   Breathe my love, breathe. I touch the silken green of summers moss, like the hair of a newborn.  I stroke it lovingly.  This naked intimacy I have longed for. The rocks of the pool form a little shallow where my body curls into amphibian form, non-human.  I follow my breath.

I pray to my beloved in every language my body knows.  I pray for the means to live.  I call to the knowing One within myself that has no fear, that trusts even when my heart stops beating.  Come to me I whisper.  In a moment all of the noise disappears.  I relax into the warmth of the water, the stillness of the well.  I feel my own presence.  Here my life is weightless.

The roots of my belonging are being severed.  As my financial resources are exhausted I grow pale. The marionette of my mortal attachments pull on my heart .  I am suddenly aware of the requirements I have made of my life, the demands that make me weary.  What do I need?  I come back to my breath to the soft sand beneath my feet, to my unquestioning faith. Does the ocean refuse the tide?  I let go of my effort, I let go of the struggle.  I wrap my arms around the water that holds the chill of my body. Why mourn?  ”There is nothing that is without purpose.”  The voice rises above the tsunami of my fear.  ”Surrender, surrender, surrender to love.”

I will be what I Am.  Every moment a new history is born.

santidevi