Here I am.  Stripped of all of my roles, anonymous and unclothed.  It is a strange freedom that is both terrifying to the marrow and as seductive as new love.  The canvas is stark and white and waiting.  I hesitate.  I listen.  The noise of my mind rushes in to fill the gap, to ease the silence.  But I am at home in not knowing, living with ambiguity has become a blessing. The doors are open and the dark beasts roam freely.  We dine in open air splendor without a care.  What was once hidden in the black of the abyss becomes seen in the light of day. How long I have waited for such a stripping of myself, of the holy layers of my human life?  This intimacy is succulent and ripe.  Surrender.  What will be left after the splay?  Oh so many deaths has this one life been.

The wheel is turning and I am still.  All of the attachments, identifications, and inflation are fed to the flames of the eternal pyre.  There is no knowing left, no fixed constellation of Self. I navigate by intuition, leaving behind all of the volumes of ‘ what to do now.’

My historical self as fictional as any notion of separation. The moment holds no then, or when, or even why.  This is the terror that the sleeping face and deny.  Swallowed by the embrace of mortality, of the fleeting truth of I.  Even the solid is on closer look a dance of space and molecules.

I wash the dishes and sweep the floor, make the beds, and wash the toilets.  Liberation has never been so sweet.  I am taken in and out like a long breath, like Sat Nam on a Sunday morning.  My current guru’s are new to the world and filled with wisdom and truth.  The two year old told me yesterday that my job was to “love them.”  She knows my work in the world, she knows why I came and why I stay.  To her, I am simply her Santima someone who mysteriously appears and disappears, just like we do.

This contentment fills my body until the last twelve months of my life disappears into the archives.  Without this faith that carries me across the water, I would have drowned before I ever spoke a thankful word.  My beloved how deep the well of my love, of my gratitude…

Santidevi

The View From My Tree House

I have come to realize that my feet are mysteriously linked to my heart, for,whatever my heart desires my feet are sure to follow.  I do believe they are equally responsible for my wanderlust and gypsy nature, for conjuring adventure against reason.

I leave Denver by way of a 17 ft. u-haul trailer, a wing and a prayer.  My daughter Adrienne once gave me a card that read, ‘when you have come to the end of all you know, there will either be ground beneath your feet or you will be given wings to fly.’

I have come to the end of all I know.

I reduce my belongings by two thirds and now live quite simply in 500 sq. ft, my version of monk’s quarters.  However being a bohemian means that it’s hardly austere.  My abode is a 1920′s tree house with a wood burning stove and a deep soaking tub. I am a half a mile from Lake Washington in Seattle, with a commanding view of Mt. Rainier.  The forest surrounding my house is thick and overgrown, the kind of place where small creatures and children like to hide.  This place is reminiscent of my beloved Ireland and all the things I love most about it, the water, the smell of the air, the winding roads and emerald paths…

There is something inside of me that has always been drawn to the unknown and foreign.  My senses and intuition are heightened in unfamiliar places.  I am challenged to let go of my prescribed sense of self, of all the places and people that give structure and meaning to my world. It lends a perspective that is humbling, stripped of  all personal identity save human.  In a city where I know less than a handful of people I have an anonymity I have never experienced before, and it is both unsettling and liberating.  Where I was once a chapter book, I am now a blank page.

Who is this woman who has left all she has ever known?

Who I have been feels remote, like a lover distanced by time and space. Yet I feel the faintest breath of my former self surface when I bathe, right before I awaken and sometimes when my mind gets still.  She is a chrysalis hanging mid-air.

I knew my heart would ache for my children, that I would miss my family and friends beyond the bearable. I knew that I would be challenged to the marrow to create a new world void of streets as mapped in my mind as the lines on my hands. How was I to know that simply knowing whether to turn right or left was so critical to my sense of confidence and comfort, or that I would feel so skinless?

My saving grace is my ability to surrender to the moment, to allow every thought and feeling to evaporate, to relax into my own vulnerability and emotional pain.  Sitting with uncertainty has become my practice.  Beginner’s mind, I allow myself to be the newly born. I am the ‘observer’ in this new life, the perpetual witness. I have the grace of continual connection to the subtleties of my inner experience, to the richness of solitude.  When I travel alone in foreign places I feel a quickening, a deeper level of expansion and a release from all the limitations of my conditioned mind.  Strangely enough I feel most at home when I am not.

The winged part of my nature loves the freedom of spontaneous movement, of the discovery that comes with the unknown.  It is not easy on my human psyche, on the part that needs to feel anchored.  Anchored to what?  My bold move has awakened the primordial fear of my mortal and impermanent existence, of the transiency of my life.  This is what has been lying deep with my unconscious mind and causing such a tsunami on the surface.  Nothing is permanent.  This is the lesson I learn once more.  But there is beauty in the brief, in the unrepeatable moments that come and go, that compose this delicate weave.  I drink my coffee, watch the morning light caress the surface of the lake, and bow to the mysterious forces that flow through my veins…

the mantra forms in my belly, an embryo of it’s own making.

dissolving once again and the soil beneath me slips away.

tethered  to this world only by the beat of my heart.

i am scraped clean, and splayed into the freedom of nothingness.

the gypsy north wind is blowing and my skirt rises to a cloudless sky.

my beloved keeps my pulse steady, and the mystic in my eyes.

no more checking my Self at the door, my elevator world comes to an end.

the smell of the earth, naked skin in the sun, a growing absence of I.

i fear not the losses, a string of

pearls plucked from the sea.

i have grown old into non Self and now there is no mortality that paralyzes my earthly bones.

i  can endure the red, black and white, the fire of the eternal One, but not a moment

without you.

awakened in you i doth not sleep.

feed me your tender kisses my beloved, and lie inside my body this night.

there is no me with you.

santidevi

Get on the elevator, stand in awkward silence with others that seem to be bracing themselves for a day in a box.  It is a monochromatic landscape despite the fuschia colored orchids in the lobby, the kind of environment that one wants to scream in or do something entirely inappropriate just to see if anyone has pulse enough to respond.  Do other people have such thoughts?  The spirit in me feels blindfolded and abducted, and the rebel looks for every opportunity to enter into the revolving door that leads to my other world.  How did I land here?

I file leases into perfect numerical order, according to range and township.  My mind adjusts to a new environment to work repetitive and numbing.  The copy machine, a marvel of technological wonder creates one perfect duplicate after another that I staple and stack into manila folders.  Time seems to move in slow motion, nine to five.  Stacks of paper, each one a lesson in Latin look pale under fluorescent lighting. My mind tires, my body longs to move, I wrestle with boredom and tedium in equal measure.  The more I wish I were anywhere else the more misery I create for myself. While I am here pondering my new existence, earthquakes shake the planet, people die in a swift moment without warning, pain and suffering erupts globally.  Impermanence, it is the one certainty.

Admittedly my most recent employment has felt imposed not organic, foreign not familiar, contrary to my nature not nourishing. I  have struggled to find meaning and purpose in this twist of fate. Every imaginable emotion has surged through my body, anger, frustration, relief, failure, immeasurable gratitude, and even despair. Was I ‘selling out’, giving up on the most passionate work of my life, was accepting this position a sign of resignation and defeat, or simply an act of self preservation?  My mind in it’s ‘fight or flight mode’ was fatalistically preoccupied with trying to interpret my latest set of circumstances. Self inquiry.  Who is creating this suffering, who feels defeated and valueless?  EGO. I wake up, and all of the noise of my fretful chaotic mind dissolves.  Simple awareness.

For the past three decades I have served the world through a livelihood that is consistent with who I am and what I value; serving humanity by awakening consciousness.  My path has allowed me to express my innate skills and abilities and has nourished my heart and soul.  I have never seen work as a ‘means to an end,’ as something one does simply to get from one day to the next.  I think of work as vocation, a true calling.  This calling comes from deep within our being, from a ‘knowing’ and longing that seeks to fulfill itself. My commitment to this inner knowing has been absolute, my faith and dedication unwavering. There has been no greater singular priority in my life than to honor that internal truth and to integrate it into my life.

‘Knowing’ has not led me to my current position, necessity has.  Perhaps this is the real reason behind my rebellion, on some level I felt I had no other choice.  After months of trying to find work I was more financially desperate than I have ever been. Normally I would consider having work when I needed it grace, but given the nature of the work it has felt more like penance.  For years I have had the luxury of determining the choreography of my days, of  choosing how I would spend my time and focus my energy.  There was an organic and natural flow that was completely  influenced by my own internal rhythm and directive.  There was space for spontaneity, freedom and magic.  Is there now?

Making peace with where I am has proven to be a greater challenge than I could have ever imagined. Embracing my situation has taken conscious effort, time, and a willingness to suspend my perception of how things should be. Apparently my work isn’t limited to specific environments, to spiritual communities, yoga studio’s, satsang audiences, and private students. Experience tells me that nothing in life is without purpose, value or meaning. I am where I am for a reason and rejecting ‘what is,’ only deepens the chasm between myself and the truth that is emerging. When I wake up, settle into the present, into my body, it’s enough, more than enough to be exactly where I am.

As soon as I let go of my judgement, my resistance and rebellion a beautiful thing happened… I was able to help one of my co-worker’s with his fear of flying, lend an open heart to someone who needed to cry, and offer a ‘listening presence’ to someone in need. I may have the opportunity to offer meditation in my workplace as part of a well being initiative. I get out of the way, I let go. I free fall into surrender, to the magnetic pull of the compass that lies at the center of my Soul.  I let go of my critical mind, of my attachment, and I bow once again to the mystery that propels my life and keeps me ever on my toes.

still evolving,

Santidevi

United with my beloved, I give myself to the unknown, to the fatefulness and beauty of being human. The ground shakes and I tremble into a faith that never fails me. Celebrating the slow even pulse inside that tells me I am still alive, I am still breathing.  Aware of a fleeting self that is completely absorbed in silence, as formless as mist.

I walk on South Broadway after dinner and a street woman approaches me.  I tell her that I have no money or I would give it to her.  She says that’s ok… we are just here. I only have this food I reply.  She takes it gratefully, we look deeply into each other’s eyes, unwavering and still. Do you feel the energy she asks?  Yes. Thank you for the love. I bow and take her cold hand to my lips. It is covered in a worn, fingerless glove that smells of smoke and homeless living. I kiss it. She takes mine and does the same.  All time stops.  We part without another word spoken. We have shared in one brief moment the Oneness of our belonging. The greatest of all gifts is priceless. Love. Without anything we gave it freely.

I want to embrace the whole of humanity.  To bring forth the power of the love that continues to eclipse all else within me.  I feel its PRESENCE, its illuminating light and expansion.  This alone can feed the masses and change our world.  Where there is LOVE there is PEACE, where there is peace there is TRUTH and where there is truth there is LIBERATION.

My feet are being planted deeply into the terra firma.  In this journey I am realizing how inseparable the mundane practicalities of human life are from what is deemed “spiritual”.  Every aspect of human life is sacred and sublime, the living and the dying.  As I sit in the uncertainty of being unemployed, with no financial reserve and bills due ,I feel a peace that would seem to have no place in this moment.  I feel the panic, it rises in waves against this unyielding peace, I feel the fear that threatens to over run the truth of my knowing, but it is powerless.  I watch it all unfold and I breathe.  I know without any question in my heart that I will be supported. Each moment I awaken to gratitude, to the LOVE of my life.

Love,

Santidevi

There is only you, and you in this little inhale of a life.  What’s truer than my love my beloved, than these salty tears that fill my heart.  What is truer than this fire that burns me white ash and rain, that tenders my spirit?  What is truer than the devi that makes love to me, that whispers my name in unspoken tongue.

Who am I in this flesh and bone?  I am a body of grace licked clean, sweat and fear rising out of the nebula of my womb.

Oh my darling, shining, white haired child, that dances naked feet and twirling.  You are my ‘ I Am,” picking wild grown wonder out of thin air.  Rooted in the soil of my body, despite the holocaust.  You still peer out on a mystical land where lions roam, oh sweet and feral innocence.  All I am, I Am.

The red balloon takes air, small perfection and blue sky.

I am here, here I Am, my waiting so near.  Braille beneath my fingertips, encoded in my like the memory of Ireland and Mr. Devi and the man at the door of room 105.  The Spanish flute song that serenaded my thirst.  I feel you in me like the fluids of my body coursing.  A hum of you on my lips, your baby skin shining luminous in the half moon of my belly.  Arrow left you said while you slipped into the life that left with the sun.  Dubai…

What is left in this thin pulse and yearn?  My Self grows translucent and the stones are stacked, desert cairns… and the only way home.  My hair touches the ground.  I sing my chanting soul, cell by cell resurrecting Eve, my lady of Guadalupe, Danu, Kali Ma, Hera, Quan Yin, Magna Dea, and the holy of the holy… Salvation.

Wake up, wake up the light is shining.  I am listening my Beloved, I am bowing, fill me, fill me.

This was written in the process of yoga, movement, breath, surrender, cellular memory, tears, and joyful reunion.  Thank you Hawah for your gifts, presence, self inquiry and seva.  I am so grateful.

love,

Santidevi

http://www.everlutionary.net/

I have always aspired to realize my true nature, to experience the depth of human consciousness.  This adventure has been the greatest of my life.  It has stripped skin from bone, left my mind splayed, my heart aflame, until only what is real remains. As a spiritual pilgrim I have ventured into the labyrinth within my own being, eyes open, the fire of consciousness turning lead into gold. Trusting in the unseen with a passion that defies logic.  Surrender becoming an ecstasy of devotion, the unknown my home. This alchemy of awakening has led me to one simple conclusion, our realized and essential nature is love. Another word for the Divine, is love.  If we are going to be who we are in this world than we must be love.  Every great soul has evolved into a compassionate, loving state of being.  It is this love that awakens, inspires, heals and liberates. Quite simply, it is is the unifying principle of life.  Amor est vitae essentia.

As I contemplate my own dharma it has never been more absolutely clear.  I am here to be LOVE.  Every moment of my life has been a longing to realize this truth. Every thought, word and deed seeks to align with this purpose.  One of my students asked me yesterday if I love everyone.  Yes.  She replied with, ‘how can you love everyone’? How can I not?  What prevents love?  Fear.  The antidote to fear is love.  Each moment we are presented with the choice, will we live in love or fear?

At some point in spiritual awakening one realizes an undeniable truth… there is nothing to fear.  Not suffering, not pain, not even death.  For there is no beginning and no end, the Soul is immortal…  Wake Up!

When there is no longer a sense of a separate self, we experience the Divine in all beings. A natural joy arises within, an indwelling peace emerges, and love becomes the natural expression.  Every cell celebrates in unison when we realize that we are not limited to our physicality but are something vast and eternal.  That our very cells are in concert with every other being, creating a symphony of beauty.

I invite you to embrace the mantra, “only love.”  Let this vow take you into the heart of your heart, to the umbilicus of the truth that feeds us all.  Surrender all of your inhibitions, be bold and fearless.  Feel your own love expand to encompass one and all.  You will smile, and so will they. Rise up you Bodhisattva’s and take your place in the world.  There is nothing more to do.  BE LOVE.

love,

santidevi

Surrounded by conscientious human beings all committed to bringing awareness to the plight of our planet, to those who are suffering and in need in the world, to the absolute necessity of collaborative effort and action.  I am inspired to my core.  There is a sudden awareness of my being in the company of those who share my calling and mission… to simply make the world a happier place to be.

My tribe wanders the streets, partaking in the feast that is offered.  From the thought provoking dialogue with pioneers in ecological conservation, to the awe inspiring life of Prudence.  Prudence, of the Academy award winning documentary film, ‘Music By Prudence’, directed by Roger Ross Williams.  She is a lodestar for humanity. Living proof of our indomitable spirit, of our ability to shine in the face of seemingly insurmountable obstacles.  She honored the truth within her own heart, knowing that despite her circumstances, her life had meaning, purpose and value. Now she brings joy and inspiration to the masses.

Greg Mortenson, the author of “Three Cups of Tea”, presented a beautiful symposium on his work in Pakistan and Afghanistan.  He is so humble, his passion, commitment and love of serving so evident. Greg’s life and calling is a testimony to the powerful impact one individual can have, how true sincerity and love are catalysts of powerful transformation. Greg embodies Gandhi’s proclamation, “Be the change you want to see in the world.”

The most profoundly awakening film of the festival was the movie ‘I Am’, produced and directed by Tom Shadyak.  It is the story of his personal journey into the truth of our human potential and happiness.  He investigates our innate nature from multiple interdisciplinary perspectives and asks the ‘big questions.’  At one point in the film he actually gives the viewer the experience of their own capacity for compassion, the visceral experience of our immediate and shared response to the suffering of others.  In one word, BRILLIANT! Science is beginning to come to the same conclusions about the nature of reality and the inherent qualities of our humanity as the sages, seers and mystics throughout time.  That in fact, the notion of a ‘separate self’, is becoming an obsolete and archaic model that simply isn’t true. The gap is rapidly closing between science and spirituality.  Strange, truth is truth no matter who realizes it.

I am inspired by these mavericks who boldly challenge themselves and the status quo. Who determine for themselves what is and isn’t possible.  They are the noble ones who dare to live according to their deepest values.  I believe that each day we make a difference by what we think, what we say, and what we do.  In choosing to be conscious, to be responsible, to be an agent of change in the world we take our place of belonging.  We become the embodiment of the greatness of humanity.

If there was anything you could change in the world what would it be.  What can you do right now?  How can you be the answer? What can you do daily, to be an expression of what you feel the world is lacking?

I believe in you.

santidevi

I open my heart to the voice that lies in wait, the seer that is my steadfast companion.  I am listening.  ”You’ve been a brave one.”  I sit with these words.  A brave one.  I see the incarnations of my soul.  I am, in my briefness, but a thread in a weave that is timeless, endless. Yes, I have been branded to the bone, a brave one.

I feel like I have just been given my knighthood, and quite unexpectedly.  Honored by my Sovereign for the battles I have fought, for the perseverance under fire, and my refusal to sacrifice the truth.  I vowed early on to honor the sacred . To be true, to what I knew to be true.  To believe in myself and in life, even when circumstances challenged my faith, and I felt no belonging in the world.  I swore not to die until I was dead, to resurrect myself from the fiery ash unscathed until the end of time. To rise when I was cratering, to believe when I lost all hope.  I bow to that force inside of me that has never failed to make me who I am. What a will, what grace.  I feel for a moment the greatness that has fostered me and I am humbled.

Despite pain, grief, judgement, criticism, ridicule, and even violence I have refused to surrender who I am for who I am not. Unwilling to forfeit the truth for comfort, or my soul for the temporal pleasures of the world.  I have wanted to experience the truth, the essence, what was real and enduring in this world.  This has been my quest. I have listened to the wild hearted Soul within, when reason begged me to to do anything but.  I have been led into the frightfulness of the borderlands, where feral things roam, and all the will in the world will not keep you safe.  I have been shown that there isn’t anything to fear, that I can surrender, that the stars will shine in the dark and I will find my way. I have not felt as brave as I have felt compelled. Without fear I would never known what it means to be brave, would never have engaged with the world as I have.

What have I championed since I came into this life?  My true Self, the part of me that is immortal, awake, innocent, pure, loving, whole unto itself. As a young child I often saw adults that were hollowed, bitter, lifeless and longing creatures.  As a result I didn’t want to grow up, I wanted to valiantly protect the sanctity of my own nature.  The sacred peace, love and joy that I knew to be myself.  I wanted to maintain my wakeful perception, to be in constant communion with the numinous.  I wanted to keep my wings as I walked this earth.

I have only gratitude for the struggles that have given me the opportunity to rise.  I no longer fear the abyss of the unknown for it has become my home.  Life has taught me that true strength lies in my ability to surrender, to be vulnerable, to expose myself to the fearsome fearlessly.  This is freedom.

How are you brave?

love,

santidevi

People from all walks of life have come to be in the presence of Sri Sri Ravi Shankar, to listen to his message of a stress free and non-violent global society. A simple man dressed with a smile, and robed in white.  He emanates a playful spirit, that is completely animated and peaceful. Sri Sri Ravi Shankar has done the seemingly impossible, uniting and awakening humanity across the planet.  He has crossed religious and cultural barriers with the open heartedness of a child and the wisdom of a saint.

I have come to meditate, to experience his divine presence.  I am unable to sit comfortably in the chair, and so I decide to go to the back of the room and sit cross legged on the floor.  I close my eyes, my breath deepens, my mind becomes spacious. I am home.  He speaks softly, his words are simple. There is a harmonious and melodic quality to his voice.  I suddenly feel the pulse quicken at my ajna chakra, my mind becomes instantaneously one pointed, the boundaries of myself dissolve into the vastness of my being, and I feel the transmission of bliss.  When my eyes open I realize that I am sitting directly in front of Sri Sri.  I smile, he smiles.

A little girl, no more than two, is dressed in kundalini white. She has a little fountain of blonde hair on the top of her head, and a box of red panda licorice in her hands.  She is behind the table next to me and is giving Daniel, an “Art of Living” teacher, a piece.  Pure love.  In my mind I say, I want a piece of licorice too!  She immediately walks around the whole length of the extended table, she has heard me! With a radiant smile she assures me that she is on her way. Her soul is shining, she looks into my eyes and  says, ” I am going to give you one.” Her perfectly tiny hands reach in, and she pulls out two.  ”I am going to give you two, she forms her fingers into a peace sign.  I cup my hands as they fall.  Then she turns around and walks back to her mother. One human being giving selflessly to another, this is seva, this is love.

Real truth is merely love, that which cannot be defined, that which is ineffable.  His holiness embodies and transmits this love with great humility, sincerity and grace. He is a uniting presence, bringing forth the innately Divine nature of humanity. Every human being longs to know, through their intimate experience, who they are. This is the yearning, the desire that is the catalyst for awakening.  Is it any wonder that we gravitate towards those who have actualized their potential, their true nature?  We refer to these people as holy because they have become the living truth, love.  There is an absence of suffering, an abiding peace and joyfulness in their being.  How is this possible?  What allows them to experience this?

Simply, they are relaxed. In relaxing we naturally enter a state of expansion and awareness, a state of receptivity and acceptance. There is a sense of spaciousness. This spaciousness accommodates whatever we experience with equanimity.  When we relax the breath we relax the body, when we relax the body we relax the mind, when we relax the mind we experience liberation.  The conditioning and habituation that normally defines our thinking, our perceptions, and our behavior is no longer predominate.  We are now able to respond to life authentically, with spontaneity and ease.  Effortlessness arises out of non-resistance. When we relax we become our natural meditative and awakened Self.

I invite you to experiment with relaxation as a means to “realization.”  Make this your everyday sadhana, and practice.  See how this affects your life.

Love,

santidevi