The breath deepens, there is nothing to fear.  I know this descent.  From the seen to the unseen, from the topside to the underworld.  The attachments, fine as thread, thin.  I loose my name, my gender, my body, the story of who I am.  It is consumed in the great sacrificial fire.  I am purified, made whole and holy.

As I descend the voices grow distant and faint.  I begin to hear my own heart beating.  In the silence I am absorbed.  The outer world recedes and my senses are heightened.  The feral part of me, instinctive and sure footed emerges.  She was named long ago by spirit… “Sees in the Dark.”  Medicine and talisman she is the embodiment of fearlessness and wisdom.  I trust in her power and knowing, in her ability to navigate the perilous with courage.

As the ground beneath me disappears I hear the words… fear not.  Every part of my mortal self wants to flee. It is fuel for the flames. I have great compassion for this part of myself that feels so transparently vulnerable and transient.  It desperately wants to have an identity that isn’t subject to change, a home that is constant, relationships that endure.  This self becomes microcosmic in the presence of the incorruptible spirit that sustains me.

I walk into the pyre a willing surrender, a sacrament.

There is nothing of intrinsic value that is ever lost in this process of calcination. In fact it is through the burning off of the profane elements within my own psyche that the essence of my Being is further illuminated.  I am transformed in this fire, all that inhibits or limits the expression of my true Self is destroyed.  The afflictions and habits of mind, the attachments, the worn thin identities and egoic ambitions… all is turned to ash.

The forces within me know exactly what I need in order to be distilled and refined.  The outer world responds in correlation by giving me time and space.  I curl into my womb, I inhabit myself.  Licking my charred remains, the salt of tears fallen, I bow.  My beloved I will follow you where ever you go.  I will follow you on this never ending path into the darkest night.  When I am nothing more than ether I will shroud your body and whisper all the languages of your name…

In the borderlands of my death and resurrection, I dance in the rain…

santidevi

My savings becomes nearly obsolete.  No work.  I head to Orvis.  It is refuge for my soul. Surrounded by the San Juans I find my breath.  I float on my back as cold rain falls.  A holy baptism. I dive under the water with darkening skies overhead.  I am anonymous, boundless and free.  The sounds of the world are muted and distant.  In a symphony of silence my mind dissolves.   Breathe my love, breathe. I touch the silken green of summers moss, like the hair of a newborn.  I stroke it lovingly.  This naked intimacy I have longed for. The rocks of the pool form a little shallow where my body curls into amphibian form, non-human.  I follow my breath.

I pray to my beloved in every language my body knows.  I pray for the means to live.  I call to the knowing One within myself that has no fear, that trusts even when my heart stops beating.  Come to me I whisper.  In a moment all of the noise disappears.  I relax into the warmth of the water, the stillness of the well.  I feel my own presence.  Here my life is weightless.

The roots of my belonging are being severed.  As my financial resources are exhausted I grow pale. The marionette of my mortal attachments pull on my heart .  I am suddenly aware of the requirements I have made of my life, the demands that make me weary.  What do I need?  I come back to my breath to the soft sand beneath my feet, to my unquestioning faith. Does the ocean refuse the tide?  I let go of my effort, I let go of the struggle.  I wrap my arms around the water that holds the chill of my body. Why mourn?  ”There is nothing that is without purpose.”  The voice rises above the tsunami of my fear.  ”Surrender, surrender, surrender to love.”

I will be what I Am.  Every moment a new history is born.

santidevi