I immediately see the symbolism of the choreography that is unfolding before my eyes, and how it relates to my own life at this moment.  The eagle is pure consciousness, the supreme sovereign, that which is eternal, and unbound.  The crow is the ego aspect of the mind, that which is unconscious, transient and distinctly mortal.  The ego is constantly trying to maintain control of the individual consciousness and will resort to nearly any means to assert its will and dominance.  It’s uncanny in its ability to determine exactly when you are most vulnerable to its influence.  I have worked for years at subduing the power the ego has upon my thoughts, words, behavior and character.  I have become very astute at knowing when it is present, even in subtle form.  Generally I am aware of when it surfaces, or is trying to seize control.  But I am not beyond being humbled by its sudden resurrections!

The recent financial stress, the fear and uncertainty of not being able to meet my obligations created the perfect climate for the ego to take prominence.  I found my mind increasingly beleaguered by negative and self-limited thinking.  Always an indication, that the ego has made an entrance.  I began to interpret my current situation as a reflection of my personal value and worth, identifying myself with my corrosive thoughts and feelings.  I was placing unreasonable demands upon myself, insisting that I DO something to alleviate my circumstances. Try harder!  Take control!  Use more effort!  Side note:  effort fueled by fear creates contraction, contraction creates disconnection, disconnection, creates isolation. I was spiraling into an ever widening and dark abyss.  DANGER WILL ROBINSON!  It has been along time since I have felt pulled into the current of unconsciousness.  I no longer felt the ever present, peace and stillness of my being.  I felt, as dramatically as it may sound, that I had been abducted and was being held hostage by a self proclaimed anarchist. Actually that is a fairly accurate assessment of what had happened.  I was no longer awake, aware, or present… the ego was at the helm!

Do you know what finally woke me up, several days later?  Pain.  Pain is the great Awakener.  I was creating a reality that was UNREAL. None of what I was thinking was actually happening.  I was creating an inferno of self-imposed suffering. “Suffering is an absence of presence.” I heard internally the illuminating truth, the power of my own words, of my most intimate understanding.  I realized in that moment the fictional, and illusionary quality of my fear, how I had drawn apocalyptic conclusions about my situation, which I had ignorantly equated with my life!  How I was judging my experience, instead of merely observing it.  Do you see how swiftly the ego aspect of the mind can commandeer our lives and create havoc if we are not Mindful?  You see, the mind both binds, and liberates. This is the paradox.  My mind had put me into an airless box without windows, yet it also in the end, freed me.  It’s not that I didn’t know all of what I just recited prior to the experience, I did.  Thus is the power of fear to undermine our skills, and compromise our abilities.

This is the interesting thing about life we are never done learning, growing, expanding and evolving, no matter whom we are.  As a teacher I am first and foremost a student.  We are all challenged to practice, to live according to our deepest truth and understanding. Becoming impartial to our experience is very important in spiritual life, being able to accept with equanimity whatever arises.  This deep acceptance of what is, is the true home of faith, peace and happiness. I continue to learn this.

As soon as I woke up, { began to consciously observe my mind } the serene and meditative quality that normally characterizes my state of being returned spontaneously.  It was always there. I am the one who departed when I became possessed by the throes of a panicked ego. Nothing in my external world has changed and yet I am at peace.  Was the whole process really necessary?  Is there anything in life that does not serve our evolution?  Experience, has wisely taught me, not to judge how I am transformed, or awakened. I have also learned the value of not destructively criticizing or blaming myself for my lapse of awareness.  Each time, I know that a profound transformation has occurred, a shift that invariably brings greater clarity and understanding.  I am brought to my knees and humbled, certain of only one thing… still breathing.

I am so grateful for what I have, for the gift and grace that is my life.

santidevi

The purpose of all spiritual sadhana is to experience the truth, to realize our essential nature. Where there is ambition there is attachment, where there is attachment there is illusion, where there is illusion there is suffering.

All of our thoughts, words and actions should be in accordance with Dharma{ “that which holds.” } The authentic individual naturally expresses the highest human values, their innate goodness, and compassion. Our true purpose can never be known outside of our own divinity. This knowing is not inspired by effort but by surrender. The soul is already perfected, it cannot be increased or decreased, manipulated, corrupted or destroyed. It is the imperishable and immortal aspect of our Being. As we awaken, and our conditioning no longer binds us in limitation, we are able to access the higher dimensions of our consciousness.

The fast initiated a surrender to the Divine, and a relinquishing of personal will. This was purifying on the deepest levels. In the final weeks, a one pointedness of mind arose spontaneously. I was in a continuous meditative state of consciousness. In emptying my body, the boundaries that separate the inner and the outer world dissolved. All was One. The incessant noise of the mind was silenced. In this simplicity I experienced the joy of being alive. The breath became my mantra. The luminous, unconditional love of the Divine filled my being.  I have never felt so completely real, relaxed, whole and at peace. What ever filters had obscured my seeing things just as they are, had been removed.

The beauty was overwhelming.

What I truly valued became ever more apparent. Superficial needs were exposed and eradicated. Only what was essential remained. I prayed daily for the fulfilling of my Dharma, for union with my Beloved, for the ability to serve all beings.  As I prayed I felt the loving presence of the immortal bodhisattva, Quan Yin. Her compassion and mercy filled my heart. I felt the lineage of my soul, the thread that has woven me from the same weave, one incarnation after the other. Embodied for the singular purpose of alleviating suffering through the awakening of humanity. My illuminated mind experienced the timelessness of my existence. There was no before, there is no after.

My home is not bound to place or time. Where ever I Am, I am home. I will travel to Ireland to write, to breathe the sea air, to walk in the mist. I will go to celebrate life, and pay my respects to my mystic ancestry. But I will not live far from those I love. For it is love that has led me, that by grace has liberated my soul.  It is love that has given me the power to surrender, to fulfill my calling with strength, courage and humility. My very existence is an expression of the love that the Divine has for creation. I am Love.

I listen for the quiet voice of my beloved, and I watch the leaves form eddy’s in the air. Day turns to night and the lights of the city cast halos’ on the wet cement. The coal train winds its way through slumbering high rises and vacant lots. The chill of autumn makes its breath visible. I am alive, and I am awake.

I appreciate the loving support you have all have given me throughout my fast. I thank each and every one of you for your thoughts and prayers. Your company was a constant source of strength and nourishment. May your true Self be known to you, may you be at peace.

love,

santidevi

It is Tuesday morning, the sky is azure blue and the air is crisp with autumn.  I fall into a slow, natural rhythm. My body adjusts to the pranic energy that now nourishes it. This subtle and refined sustenance is like nectar from the Gods. I sleep so soundly, so deeply. I am conscious of this body as never before, the thoughts as they arise and dissolve into the emptiness. I relax into the moment.

My ego is being shed, layer by layer, ever deeper. Emotions arise and dissipate like morning mist, but they have no place to settle. The internal workings of my being have become transparent, clearly distinct. I watch my mind, and observe how it functions, responds, distracts, and obsesses. The state of my mind determines my experience. I feel the correlation between my thinking and the corresponding reaction in my body, instantaneous. It is a revelation.

I have become the observer, my witnessing consciousness. It no longer feels like a separate phenomenon.  The elements within myself are in the process of unifying. I am being remade. I surrender myself completely to this evolution. Every moment I live the cycle of birth, death and resurrection. I am intimately aware of this never ending ritual. In the midst of the transitions I feel their shared bloodline, as old as time. Their energy infused with joy and sorrow, hope and despair. How fragile and fleeting our sojourn. I am not bound nor tethered, but free.

Time has ceased, the moment becomes seamless. I feel the spaciousness of my own interior. How peaceful to be emptied, to be scraped skin from bone. I belong to the nameless. My identity becomes membrane thin. My attachments grow pale in this Self that knows the truth. Nothing belongs to me, nothing ever has, and nothing ever will.

I serve, love, live and die, without attachment. This realization is liberating. Where ever I am, I am at peace.  Severed from the gravity of human longing and desire, I feel the stars descend. I am whole unto myself.  What ever I have is enough. I breathe into the heart of my beloved, gratitude. My dharma, my truth has laid my path, stone by stone…

I walk this walk in the company of those who have gone before, who have braved the unknown in search of the holy grail, Self-realization. I feel their presence, their compassion and grace. This journey of awakening continues to bring forth the fruits of this life.  I feast.

santidevi

The breath deepens, there is nothing to fear.  I know this descent.  From the seen to the unseen, from the topside to the underworld.  The attachments, fine as thread, thin.  I loose my name, my gender, my body, the story of who I am.  It is consumed in the great sacrificial fire.  I am purified, made whole and holy.

As I descend the voices grow distant and faint.  I begin to hear my own heart beating.  In the silence I am absorbed.  The outer world recedes and my senses are heightened.  The feral part of me, instinctive and sure footed emerges.  She was named long ago by spirit… “Sees in the Dark.”  Medicine and talisman she is the embodiment of fearlessness and wisdom.  I trust in her power and knowing, in her ability to navigate the perilous with courage.

As the ground beneath me disappears I hear the words… fear not.  Every part of my mortal self wants to flee. It is fuel for the flames. I have great compassion for this part of myself that feels so transparently vulnerable and transient.  It desperately wants to have an identity that isn’t subject to change, a home that is constant, relationships that endure.  This self becomes microcosmic in the presence of the incorruptible spirit that sustains me.

I walk into the pyre a willing surrender, a sacrament.

There is nothing of intrinsic value that is ever lost in this process of calcination. In fact it is through the burning off of the profane elements within my own psyche that the essence of my Being is further illuminated.  I am transformed in this fire, all that inhibits or limits the expression of my true Self is destroyed.  The afflictions and habits of mind, the attachments, the worn thin identities and egoic ambitions… all is turned to ash.

The forces within me know exactly what I need in order to be distilled and refined.  The outer world responds in correlation by giving me time and space.  I curl into my womb, I inhabit myself.  Licking my charred remains, the salt of tears fallen, I bow.  My beloved I will follow you where ever you go.  I will follow you on this never ending path into the darkest night.  When I am nothing more than ether I will shroud your body and whisper all the languages of your name…

In the borderlands of my death and resurrection, I dance in the rain…

santidevi

Whenever you decide not to be a mere bystander of your own life you are bound to encounter the voice of the inner critic. This critic is an aspect of the ego. The ego fears change. Change equates to a loss of control and fuels a sense of instability and uncertainty. The ego is intolerant of anything that may compromise its sovereign rule. So the ego very skillfully plays upon your fears, insecurities, and feelings of inadequacy.  It manipulates you into compliancy by fostering anxiety, depression and even self destructive behavior. The critical voice is intended to dissuade you from pursuing the very initiatives that will foster awareness and spiritual growth. It abhors risk of any kind!

 The ego does not want to be eclipsed by the directives of the soul. It does not  want to lose command and will use every tactic at its disposal to weaken and undermine your relationship to your true Self.  To truth itself.  It will doing everything within its power to convince you that you are ill qualified to make independent choices in regard to your own life.  It will provide one example after another of your failed attempts to fulfill your dreams and aspirations.  In truth it is merely trying to protect you from the very learning experiences that will awaken and liberate you.  From the process of  Self realization.

Know that the critical voice in and of itself has absolutely no power!  The only power it has ever had is the power you have given it. That power is truth.  Whatever you believe to be true has power!  The critic isn’t the voice of truth, it is the voice of fear. And it’s source is the ego.  

In the Wizard of Oz, Oz rules as a result of presenting himself as a fearsome and unapproachable ruler.  His subjects believe that he is omnipotent, omniscient, and omnipresent, in essence God like.  They wouldn’t think of defying his rule out of fear of the consequences. Yet Dorothy and her entourage in their complete innocence discover that Oz is indeed just a scared old man hiding behind a curtain. He himself is lost and far from home.[ from his true nature] His fear led him to create a persona of greatness and power, an illusion to belie the truth of his mere mortal status. Oz represents the “ego self” masquerading as the Divine, the all powerful!  Once you awaken to the truth the ego can no longer pretend to be something that its not. Its reign is over.  This is the beginning of liberation.

So how do you begin to depose the charlatan and silence the inner critic?  Let me ask you this.  What do you do when a child is frightened?  Do you try to comfort and reassure them?  As the adult do you take the appropriate measures to assure their safety and well being?  When the critic surfaces approach it as you would a child who feels lost and afraid.  Be gentle and compassionate. Listen to its concerns. Nothing is ever one by force, don’t attempt to challenge or dispute its claims. You can very skillfully take the helm without confrontation or conflict.  By listening without judgement or quarrel you assume the position of authority it once held. Reassure it that it’s natural to feel lost and uncertain in times of transition. By observing it without prejudice or attachment you will lessen its ability to influence you. If you consistently refuse to give credence to this negative commentary it will eventually become ineffectual that is, it will have completely lost its power to manipulate and control your thoughts and behavior. 

Your true Self is awaiting the moment when you awaken.  When you surrender to the unknown. This very moment free yourself from the tirade of the ego, from the illusion of its control. Connect to the aspect of yourself that is fearless. This is your true nature. It is spontaneous and responsive to the ever changing phenomenon that is Life. It revels in the joy, beauty and grace inherent in what Is. Take the helm, dare to live the life you’ve imagined!

santidevi

Our world is evolving.  The recent global economic challenges have inspired anxiety and fear.  Our standard of living and way of life feels threatened.  What was once appeared dependable and immune to loss has fallen.  We feel overwhelmed and helpless, our very survival feels compromised. The illusory nature of the temporal world has revealed itself.  What appears as real one moment disappears the next, thus is the nature of Maya.    

The Ego is intolerant of anything that creates a sense of vulnerability.  It readily enlists fear, intimidation, ultimatums, anxiety and depression as the means to control our thoughts and behavior.  It seeks to dominant our experience, as well as destroy our sovereignty.  We avoid fear at all cost so we allow the Ego to persecute us into submission.  What happens when we stop fearing the fear?  When fear is no longer resisted, when we actually allow it to be, something quite miraculous occurs…

Fear is a great ally in Awakening, it is the tool of liberation.  For when we bow to our fear, when we surrender to the unknown that is life, we are no longer trying to escape.  We don’t have to because we are not bound.  When we realize this, the Ego loses its power to seize control of our Being.  We become Fearless! 

As institutions, governments, corporations, political figures and economies rise and fall, do not judge, analyze or anticipate the outcome.  No assessment or commentary is valuable or necessary.  Accept what Is.  We do this by being receptive to life, by receiving all that we experience with equanimity.   Abide in a state of non-resistance.  In doing so, you will align yourself with the flow of the Divine.

The only constant in the universe is change.  

What is of this world is subject to the cycles of nature.  The tree comes forth from the seed, the seed bears fruit that ripens, it eventually falls to the ground and decays. Why?  For it has fulfilled its purpose.  Why mourn, why fear?  As the fruit lies rotting, it enriches the soil from which the seed will root and grow. Do not attach yourself to the ebb and flow of cyclical phenomenon. Go within and be still.  Contemplate, what is enduring and what is subject to change?

 In the midst of the movement of the Creative be silent. Watch the dance of the Divine as it transforms energy into form.  Observe how one begets the other.   

When we observe this process, it is Inspiring because we see the providence of Divine intelligence expressing itself.  This Consciousness is Purposeful!  That is its inherent nature.  It is bountiful, abundant, infinitely compassionate and unfailing in its ability to nourish life!  What may look like the end is merely the beginning.  From the perspective of the Absolute, the beginning and end is nonexistent for it is only the One.  

Therefore, do not fear but rejoice!  Shed your uncertainty and anxiety!  Reside in the moment, in the Truth!  You are not bound, you needn’t suffer.  Suffering is an absence of Consciousness.  When we are aware of our Immortal and Sacred nature suffering ceases and life becomes meaningful.

See the beauty and the blessing that these times bestow.  See each and every experience as a gift from the Source of your own true Being!  It is intended to Awaken you, to foster trust and faith in yourself and in the Grace that is Life.  

Now sit quietly and observe your breath, until it becomes natural and rhythmic.  Abide in the Silence.  Let that Silence become the spaciousness of your experience.  Whatever arises is absorbed in the spaciousness of your Being.  No resistance, no effort, no will, no judgement.  Be where you are.  Repeat within, I Am Divine, I Am Divine, I Am Divine.  

Om Shanti, Shanti, Shantihi,

Santi Devi

 From the moment of your birth you have been acquiring an identity.  This identity is not who you are.  You are not your body, your mind, or your emotions.  You are pure consciousness.  Consciousness has given rise to all existent form.  It is immortal and eternal.  Your authentic Self knows this Truth. 

Identity is simply the data you refer to as yourself.   This is your persona, the part of yourself that you refer to as me, I, “who I am.” You determine who you are, based upon your collective but limited experiences and perceptions. All of which are subject to evolution or change.  You create yourself based upon your interpretation of your sensory awareness.  What you interpret,  becomes who you are.  What you think you become. 

You have been entrained, environmentally and culturally conditioned to assume an identity to become someThing, not someOne.  You develop an Ego, a set of personal associations, preferences, and identifications.  This becomes your agent for relating to your life’s experience.  You have departed from your authentic Self.  You see yourself as separate from the whole, and fully independent.  

This process of alienation is commonly referred to as ego development, your persona or personality, is a contrived sense of Self and therefore transient.

The ego’s purpose is to assure your survival.  Beyond that primary role, it seeks superiority, power and control.  The ego is insatiable in its quest to secure these socially valued human amenities.  Your choices have been shaped by your ego’s endless need for recognition and achievement.  You  compete with others as a means to measure your progress.  You depend on their failure in order to succeed. This is the path of destruction and illusion. 

 {The truth is, you are an expression of the infinite Source. This Source is pure consciousness.  It is the energy that gives rise to creation.  Creation is   consciousness. It is our true nature.  This is the Oneness of our conception…it is the non changing, and eternal.  All existence is an interplay of creative dependency and interconnection.  You are a reflection of the whole, a microcosm of the macrocosm.}

The ego is in constant need of renewing its authority, approval and supremacy.  Therefore it continually relies on external validation.  Judgement of self and others takes root and becomes your chief tool of measuring your relative position in the world.  You condemn and criticize others in order to elevate yourself.  Self righteousness and condemnation become tools of your own eminence .   Your concern is for your own welfare and well being. Any failure on your part to assert your supremacy is ultimately a threat to your inner stability.  You become completely self absorbed, ruled by your own ego’s obsessions, ambitions and desires.  You have given up all authority over your life.  This failed system is the root of all of your anxiety, fear and insecurity, because it lacks spiritual substance, the Truth.

The ego obscures the Truth and veils the nature of reality.  It prevents you from seeing and experiencing things as they are.  The ego lives in the past and projects itself into the future.  Its lifespan is determined by the process of thinking.  It literally thinks itself into existence.  The thing it fears most is death, {a thoughtless moment.}  because with the cessation of thinking it cannot place itself in space and time.  To be present is to create a lapse/gap in the ego’s functioning.  From the perspective of the moment, there is no past, no future…only now, only what Is.  Every moment is the same in that regard: timeless.  This is where creation occurs. The moment is threatening because it represents the unknown, so we manipulate our fear of the unknown by filling the moment with our internal dialogue, analysis,  and repetitive thinking.  You avoid the true reality by living in one you have self created. To maintain this illusion requires an inordinate amount of time and energy.  You are always having to strategize, manipulate, and control the world in order to preserve your semblance of truth.  The true reality is preexistent and  independent of your thinking, it is transcendent.  At any moment you can experience it by waking up, by bringing your awareness to “what Is”.

This only requires a shift in your attention, a willingness to be present, to relax into the moment.  Children do this naturally, spontaneously.  Their world unfolds before them and they engage authentically with whatever they encounter.  They are intimately connected to “sahaja” or the spontaneous inborn essence of their Being. ]]> http://santidevi.com/2009/02/identity/feed/ 2