As a direct descendent of Patrick Henry, “the give me liberty or give me death Henry”, I have all of my life been wed to the highest ideal of liberation. It is in my blood. I have dedicated my life to liberating those who suffer, to illuminating the truth, to removing that which binds. I have found that it is the mind itself that either oppresses or liberates. Even those in the most heinous and dehumanizing situations can remain internally free. How we interpret our reality, our experience, determines the quality of our lives. A worthy example follows.

I have been mired for the past several weeks in the interpretative aspect of my mind. I have been strategizing, analyzing, and in the end drawing erroneous conclusions about the state of my life. I have experienced intellectual mayhem, the result of trying to find a suitable answer to my livelihood dilemma. As if the process of mere “thinking” would be enough to resolve the issue. The more I think the less present I am. The more present I am the more relaxed I feel. In being relaxed I connect effortlessly to a timeless state of consciousness. This expansiveness lends itself to non-linear modes of cognition, to transcendental knowledge that is liberating. This is the realm where I know that I don’t need an answer. What a relief.

I have struggled this last year to exclusively support myself doing what it is that I love, writing and teaching. I have known my whole life that it was my spiritual destiny, the work that I was intended to do! I had such clarity of purpose, such a heartfelt knowing that this was the fulfilling of my dharma. The fact that it failed to be a viable living was devastating. I felt disappointed, and discouraged. Wallowing in an apathetic demise, suffering overshadowing the joy my heart tried in vain to awaken. I felt abandoned. If not this then what? Was it possible, that it wasn’t possible? Self-doubt and anger plagued my heart. Only solitude could soothe the deep pain that I felt. I needed time to crater in the ruin of my attachments. To be in that lonely, “I don’t know what else to do place,” that is painful to the touch.

There is nothing like retreating from the world, from the ravages of the mind, to restore one’s relative sanity. I became contemplative, self-reflective. Was I attached to how my work should look? Had “I” designated it as “spiritual work” to the exclusion of other forms of work I had done in my life? Did it truthfully have greater value, merit or importance? How could I ever determine that? Isn’t it about who I am, not what I do? What determined spiritual work? Did it really matter what I did? I began to see how far I had wandered from my own knowing. In the most compassionate way, I was shown that there is no greater or lesser thing that I can do in this world. It is simply a matter of awareness, of recognizing that whatever I do with love is my work!

Something truly amazing happened through this process… I felt my own small contributions to humanity. They were not epic or grand. They were in fact, simple moments in time. Those moments happened in the world, within the context of people’s lives, not necessarily within a classroom, not on a blank page. I had in my own quiet way brought truth, love, compassion, peace, healing and freedom to those in need. I didn’t create those opportunities they were given to me. They will always be given to me.

In the darkest times in my life I have discovered an inner strength and power, an ability to trust in the forces that were conspiring to make me real. At the height of fear I have felt the birth of courage. When I’ve been certain that I couldn’t endure, something within miraculously restores me to life, puts flesh on my bones, and air in my lungs. “Your not done yet, so rise.” This is how I have become authentic. I have learned how to surrender, to accept what I most ardently resist with faith. I don’t know where I will be led, how I will earn my living, where I will live or much of anything else. What I do know is that I can trust in life. I remember the truth, I hold the keys to my own freedom. Hail Libertas!

Happy New Year,
love,
santidevi

I have always believed in signs, in synchronicity and otherwise magical happenstance. Whenever I have needed direction it has always appeared in an illuminating and spontaneous way.  Lyrics to a song inspire me to take a risk, words on a billboard answer the question I have been pondering, someone gives me the very thing I have been needing most etc…  I have learned through experience, that my life is being choreographed in concert with my purpose, despite my best effort at times, to derail myself. There is a constant resonance happening between my deepest longing, and life’s desire to fulfill it.  It doesn’t require effort on my part, merely an unshakable trust, and a willingness to suspend my judgement and fear.

This is what I love most about life, it is never certain.  I know your wondering how I can possibly be sincere in this sentiment.  Understandably confusing if you have read my past few posts.  Let me clarify.  Now that I have my bearings once more, I am remembering how valuable uncertainty really is. When I am uncertain, on some level I am aware of the immense possibilities pulsing just beneath the surface.  I am no longer trapped by what I know, but freed by what I don’t.  In the face of the unknown I am asked to surrender, to have faith in the beauty and benevolence of life, in the goodness of humanity.  To let go of all preconceived notions about what is and isn’t possible in the world. To possess the qualities of a beginner’s mind.

I have never been able to determine my course, which I am sure has been an act of grace!  I am simply taken to where I am needed most. Whenever I have tried to manipulate or control the direction of my life, usually through stubborn willfulness, I am inevitably cast to and fro in a abyss of self-doubt and misery.  Exhausting and overwhelming myself in the process.  Yet when I surrender to the prevailing forces, those that are intuitively trying to lead me, a sense of calm and peace ensues.

There is an immense joy that is arising as I relax more fully into this uncertain, but amazingly adventurous life of mine. This heroine’s journey is a mapless exploration, yet I am guided in a powerful and deeply gratifying way.  I seem to know I am going in the right direction, even when I feel  hopelessly lost.  The trials and tribulations, the obstacles, and challenges continue to be the catalyst of my character development!  In the ninth hour, when all seems insanely futile, and all for naught, the miraculous happens… I find my way.

It doesn’t matter what I do to earn my living as long as I continue to be who I am, to live with a humble and grateful heart.  I have awakened once more to what is of real importance to me.  It has been my true souls desire not to be corrupted by the pain and suffering inherent in human life but to live as an embodiment of unconditional love, compassion, wisdom and truth, to remain authentic, simple and childlike in my nature.  To live according to my highest understanding.  So let the north wind blow…

santidevi

I begin to find my feet.  Nothing feels entirely familiar at the moment.  I was internal for so long that engaging in the world seems utterly foreign.  It is as though I am here for the first time. The solitude and silence that characterized the duration of my fast, has lent a simplicity to my life.  There is a natural, slow rhythm that defines my movements, the tempo of my mind.  My consciousness has become more flexible, more fluid… less contracted, unattached.  When one is completely emptied, the truth becomes self-evident. Being stripped to the bone, I was left with the “so ham” of my breath, and it was enough.  The extraneous was shed without any sense of personal loss… What is intrinsic endures, the immortal is without end.

It is as though my body, for the first time in my life has “embodied” the vastness of my Soul, and has submitted completely to it’s sovereignty.  The two are now as One. Synchronized as it were.  I FEEL the innate and indwelling intelligence directing my experience.  I FEEL its Presence. There is a new-found acuity that illuminates my Being, a softness that has penetrated my heart.  It was as if I was never born, or will never die.  There is a sense of being ETERNAL, here in this moment.  So grateful for the forces that tirelessly shook me loose.

I listen to the leaves fly, as the wind carries them in dust devil spirals into the air. People scatter in the high desert tsunami… winter has arrived.  I watch the snow fall.  Snow has a silence that intrigues me.  I watch it accumulate in fragile impermanence.  The trees bow to the seasons arrival. Non-resistance. What I know, I have learned through observing natural phenomenon, it has proven to be a master teacher.  It has taught me that every act is purposeful, every experience, in its essence, benevolent.  It has shown me that there is a field where all things manifest and take form, return and dissolve, in an endless unfolding. The miraculous, being no more then its humble expression.

The retreat is cancelled.  I bow.  I wonder how I will make my living?  I arrived home from India exactly a year ago to an economy that was breathing its last, my income evaporated over night.  By the grace of a dear friend and student I have been kept afloat while I have tried to resurrect my livelihood. It is incredibly humbling to be dependent on someone else’s generosity, to need financial help for the most basic of necessities.  The ego will always surface when our very survival is at risk.  I have watched the parade of emotions in response to my circumstances, deep uncertainty, underlying anxiety, sheer terror!  Moments of genuine clarity, unrelenting faith and invincible trust. Navigating unchartered waters that have challenged me to practice what I know to be true, to abide in that, despite the hell storm of an ego that felt suddenly extinguished.  Staying the course, persevering in the face of seemingly insurmountable obstacles is the only difference between success and failure, between the heroines journey, and the refusal to heed the call. When we give up on what we know we are to do in this world, there is a loss of Soul that is more dismembering then any earthly trial could ever be.

I remain true to the one thing that I must… my Self.  I do not know How I will continue to fulfill this dharma that has shaped my life.  The beauty is I don’t have to know How.  I am still learning how to discern when it is time to wait & when it is time to act.  When we are anxious about our uncertain lives, it is human nature to want to Make something happen!  This is reactive and fear based.  Understandable yet not wise.  I am here to serve, to awaken those who are ripened and willing.  The form that takes is truly irrelevant.  I am reminded of this today.  My blessed Shannon, a light in the tyranny of darkness, illuminated my heart from the throes of a discouragement that had taken hold of me. In her presence I found my Self again.  Thank you Shannon, for bringing me to the sanctity and sanity of the present.  This is what we do, this is who we are.

I have always found my way, even in the dark.  Resources have quite magically appeared and by grace, allowed me to continue my work.  Nothing has changed, everything has changed. The mind both binds and liberates, I choose liberation.

santidevi

My life has never felt so precarious. My strategy has always been not to live with a plan.  I have never been a logical sort or one to trust in the rational.  I love the uncertainty, and the feeling of possibility that it ignites. I know that whatever my simple mind can construct as a worthy goal, would be a mere shadow of what the spirit in me is destined for.  I trust in the synchronicities, in the seemingly coincidental, and I look for signs.  I listen.  Living in this way requires a certain amount of detachment, a lessening of personal agenda and in the end a true surrender to an unconventional life.  There are times when I have questioned my course, when I’ve made hard choices based on my personal value system and integrity, and not on what made sense.  Suddenly changing direction just when my life had taken on some semblance of stability and order. I have learned not to get too comfortable, or to presume upon my circumstances.  It suits my sensibilities to be adaptively flexible, to allow my life to transform at will.

In this fasting I have realized ever more clearly the value I place upon being absolutely true to my Self.  Living in harmony with my true nature and expressing it in word, action and deed.  Bringing my spirit into the world in a way that has value and meaning.  Returning to the simple as my guide. I choose to live with gratitude and reverence, to greet each moment with awareness.  I Am, all that I seek.  This truth fills me with peace.  I live knowing that I am fulfilling my purpose, that my very existence is a divine blessing.  My body is empty, but my heart is full.  At day 24, I am surrendering ever more deeply to the quiet depths of my Soul, bowing still.

santidevi

My savings becomes nearly obsolete.  No work.  I head to Orvis.  It is refuge for my soul. Surrounded by the San Juans I find my breath.  I float on my back as cold rain falls.  A holy baptism. I dive under the water with darkening skies overhead.  I am anonymous, boundless and free.  The sounds of the world are muted and distant.  In a symphony of silence my mind dissolves.   Breathe my love, breathe. I touch the silken green of summers moss, like the hair of a newborn.  I stroke it lovingly.  This naked intimacy I have longed for. The rocks of the pool form a little shallow where my body curls into amphibian form, non-human.  I follow my breath.

I pray to my beloved in every language my body knows.  I pray for the means to live.  I call to the knowing One within myself that has no fear, that trusts even when my heart stops beating.  Come to me I whisper.  In a moment all of the noise disappears.  I relax into the warmth of the water, the stillness of the well.  I feel my own presence.  Here my life is weightless.

The roots of my belonging are being severed.  As my financial resources are exhausted I grow pale. The marionette of my mortal attachments pull on my heart .  I am suddenly aware of the requirements I have made of my life, the demands that make me weary.  What do I need?  I come back to my breath to the soft sand beneath my feet, to my unquestioning faith. Does the ocean refuse the tide?  I let go of my effort, I let go of the struggle.  I wrap my arms around the water that holds the chill of my body. Why mourn?  ”There is nothing that is without purpose.”  The voice rises above the tsunami of my fear.  ”Surrender, surrender, surrender to love.”

I will be what I Am.  Every moment a new history is born.

santidevi

I write this post with a certain apprehension.  You see this is the third time that I have written “Every Moment Grace.” The prior two entries written on consecutive days were mistakenly erased.  Ironic.  As the words vanished before my eyes I was confident that I would be able to retrieve them.  Alas, even the technological guru’s were mystified.  Thus I was given another opportunity to bow before the Divine, to relinquish my attachment. To let go. 

Truth:  What is intrinsic to who I am can never be lost.

I have been challenged by spirit all of my life to live what I know to be true.

To trust with absolute faith, that every experience of my life is an act of grace.

Grace is defined as“the freely given unmerited favor and love of God.”I have known this in joy and in sorrow, for grace is truly whatever awakens us to a deeper level of consciousness. Pain, suffering and loss are harbingers of transformation. These experiences take us to the marrow of our being, to the core of our human longing. They inspire and challenge our strength and courage and ultimately reveal that every moment is possessed with meaning and value. They connect us to the present and illuminate our true nature. I have never not known the “unmerited favor and grace of God.  In fact I have felt it most keenly in the most traumatic moments of my life.  I have been made whole and holy by“ill fate.”  

Sacred pain is the “great awakener,”and it is inescapable. It is the light that pierces the darkness of our ignorance. For it connects us to the truth of our circumstance, to the depth of our feeling, to the calling of the soul.  It carries us limp and lost into the sanctity of our interior.  It swiftly removes the superficial and the extraneous. We are left with what is raw and real, intrinsic and eternal.  In our naked emptiness we are liberated.  Pain is grace.  

The greater the adversity the greater the opportunity for transcendence.  When we exhaust our own “known” abilities and resources in times of adversity, we are forced to surrender. This surrender allows us to experience the deeper levels of our nature.  Here we are freed of all resistance, judgement, and effort.  Thus we access the part of ourselves that exceeds the boundaries and limitations of our usual modes of perception. We awaken. Adversity hones our virtue, inspires our innovation and creativity and fosters an endurance and perseverance that defies our own will.  It whispers to our reluctancy and fear… Rise! And so against all odds we do.   

  To live in a state of grace is to be in communion with the Divine. 

  I have awakened to this truth.  Life is grace. It is continually conspiring to choreograph our lives in a way that is awakening and liberating.  We must be willing to surrender our expectations, our attachments, our limiting belief systems, and our incessant need to control our experiences.  How is this done?  By radical acceptance and trust.  Faith in what cannot be known, rationalized or reasoned.  This requires a perceptual lens that sees the world in all its beauty and horror as ultimately benevolent. A desire to willing sacrifice the sovereignty of the ego to the sacred fire of consciousness.  This is a ritual we enact every moment that we wake up.  For in that instance we are no longer possessed by our conditioning, by our thinking minds. We allow the power of our own consciousness to illuminate our experience and define our path.

Remember whatever we bow to becomes our teacher.  Bow, bow deeply.

santidevi