I immediately see the symbolism of the choreography that is unfolding before my eyes, and how it relates to my own life at this moment.  The eagle is pure consciousness, the supreme sovereign, that which is eternal, and unbound.  The crow is the ego aspect of the mind, that which is unconscious, transient and distinctly mortal.  The ego is constantly trying to maintain control of the individual consciousness and will resort to nearly any means to assert its will and dominance.  It’s uncanny in its ability to determine exactly when you are most vulnerable to its influence.  I have worked for years at subduing the power the ego has upon my thoughts, words, behavior and character.  I have become very astute at knowing when it is present, even in subtle form.  Generally I am aware of when it surfaces, or is trying to seize control.  But I am not beyond being humbled by its sudden resurrections!

The recent financial stress, the fear and uncertainty of not being able to meet my obligations created the perfect climate for the ego to take prominence.  I found my mind increasingly beleaguered by negative and self-limited thinking.  Always an indication, that the ego has made an entrance.  I began to interpret my current situation as a reflection of my personal value and worth, identifying myself with my corrosive thoughts and feelings.  I was placing unreasonable demands upon myself, insisting that I DO something to alleviate my circumstances. Try harder!  Take control!  Use more effort!  Side note:  effort fueled by fear creates contraction, contraction creates disconnection, disconnection, creates isolation. I was spiraling into an ever widening and dark abyss.  DANGER WILL ROBINSON!  It has been along time since I have felt pulled into the current of unconsciousness.  I no longer felt the ever present, peace and stillness of my being.  I felt, as dramatically as it may sound, that I had been abducted and was being held hostage by a self proclaimed anarchist. Actually that is a fairly accurate assessment of what had happened.  I was no longer awake, aware, or present… the ego was at the helm!

Do you know what finally woke me up, several days later?  Pain.  Pain is the great Awakener.  I was creating a reality that was UNREAL. None of what I was thinking was actually happening.  I was creating an inferno of self-imposed suffering. “Suffering is an absence of presence.” I heard internally the illuminating truth, the power of my own words, of my most intimate understanding.  I realized in that moment the fictional, and illusionary quality of my fear, how I had drawn apocalyptic conclusions about my situation, which I had ignorantly equated with my life!  How I was judging my experience, instead of merely observing it.  Do you see how swiftly the ego aspect of the mind can commandeer our lives and create havoc if we are not Mindful?  You see, the mind both binds, and liberates. This is the paradox.  My mind had put me into an airless box without windows, yet it also in the end, freed me.  It’s not that I didn’t know all of what I just recited prior to the experience, I did.  Thus is the power of fear to undermine our skills, and compromise our abilities.

This is the interesting thing about life we are never done learning, growing, expanding and evolving, no matter whom we are.  As a teacher I am first and foremost a student.  We are all challenged to practice, to live according to our deepest truth and understanding. Becoming impartial to our experience is very important in spiritual life, being able to accept with equanimity whatever arises.  This deep acceptance of what is, is the true home of faith, peace and happiness. I continue to learn this.

As soon as I woke up, { began to consciously observe my mind } the serene and meditative quality that normally characterizes my state of being returned spontaneously.  It was always there. I am the one who departed when I became possessed by the throes of a panicked ego. Nothing in my external world has changed and yet I am at peace.  Was the whole process really necessary?  Is there anything in life that does not serve our evolution?  Experience, has wisely taught me, not to judge how I am transformed, or awakened. I have also learned the value of not destructively criticizing or blaming myself for my lapse of awareness.  Each time, I know that a profound transformation has occurred, a shift that invariably brings greater clarity and understanding.  I am brought to my knees and humbled, certain of only one thing… still breathing.

I am so grateful for what I have, for the gift and grace that is my life.

santidevi

I begin to find my feet.  Nothing feels entirely familiar at the moment.  I was internal for so long that engaging in the world seems utterly foreign.  It is as though I am here for the first time. The solitude and silence that characterized the duration of my fast, has lent a simplicity to my life.  There is a natural, slow rhythm that defines my movements, the tempo of my mind.  My consciousness has become more flexible, more fluid… less contracted, unattached.  When one is completely emptied, the truth becomes self-evident. Being stripped to the bone, I was left with the “so ham” of my breath, and it was enough.  The extraneous was shed without any sense of personal loss… What is intrinsic endures, the immortal is without end.

It is as though my body, for the first time in my life has “embodied” the vastness of my Soul, and has submitted completely to it’s sovereignty.  The two are now as One. Synchronized as it were.  I FEEL the innate and indwelling intelligence directing my experience.  I FEEL its Presence. There is a new-found acuity that illuminates my Being, a softness that has penetrated my heart.  It was as if I was never born, or will never die.  There is a sense of being ETERNAL, here in this moment.  So grateful for the forces that tirelessly shook me loose.

I listen to the leaves fly, as the wind carries them in dust devil spirals into the air. People scatter in the high desert tsunami… winter has arrived.  I watch the snow fall.  Snow has a silence that intrigues me.  I watch it accumulate in fragile impermanence.  The trees bow to the seasons arrival. Non-resistance. What I know, I have learned through observing natural phenomenon, it has proven to be a master teacher.  It has taught me that every act is purposeful, every experience, in its essence, benevolent.  It has shown me that there is a field where all things manifest and take form, return and dissolve, in an endless unfolding. The miraculous, being no more then its humble expression.

The retreat is cancelled.  I bow.  I wonder how I will make my living?  I arrived home from India exactly a year ago to an economy that was breathing its last, my income evaporated over night.  By the grace of a dear friend and student I have been kept afloat while I have tried to resurrect my livelihood. It is incredibly humbling to be dependent on someone else’s generosity, to need financial help for the most basic of necessities.  The ego will always surface when our very survival is at risk.  I have watched the parade of emotions in response to my circumstances, deep uncertainty, underlying anxiety, sheer terror!  Moments of genuine clarity, unrelenting faith and invincible trust. Navigating unchartered waters that have challenged me to practice what I know to be true, to abide in that, despite the hell storm of an ego that felt suddenly extinguished.  Staying the course, persevering in the face of seemingly insurmountable obstacles is the only difference between success and failure, between the heroines journey, and the refusal to heed the call. When we give up on what we know we are to do in this world, there is a loss of Soul that is more dismembering then any earthly trial could ever be.

I remain true to the one thing that I must… my Self.  I do not know How I will continue to fulfill this dharma that has shaped my life.  The beauty is I don’t have to know How.  I am still learning how to discern when it is time to wait & when it is time to act.  When we are anxious about our uncertain lives, it is human nature to want to Make something happen!  This is reactive and fear based.  Understandable yet not wise.  I am here to serve, to awaken those who are ripened and willing.  The form that takes is truly irrelevant.  I am reminded of this today.  My blessed Shannon, a light in the tyranny of darkness, illuminated my heart from the throes of a discouragement that had taken hold of me. In her presence I found my Self again.  Thank you Shannon, for bringing me to the sanctity and sanity of the present.  This is what we do, this is who we are.

I have always found my way, even in the dark.  Resources have quite magically appeared and by grace, allowed me to continue my work.  Nothing has changed, everything has changed. The mind both binds and liberates, I choose liberation.

santidevi

I find such grace in surrendering to life.  Listening to and trusting, without logic or reason, the dictates of my own soul-fed voice.  It leads me into the unknown, into an adventure filled and mythical life. Where fear would seal a staid fate, it has lured me beyond the objections of all fight and flight.  The power that lives within this someday carcass, humbles me speechless. I follow it like a shadow into the wilds of the less traveled.  My spirit is not bound. It is my will to surrender, to experience even for a moment the play of the divine, the union of my Self with my Beloved.

It is morning and I repeat my mantra… I am absorbed in it’s rhythm, in the hand strung wooden beads that glide through these practiced fingers. I see the eyes of Satyananda, ageless, staring back, the peace of Samadhi.  I am not here, nor there. Time, between this place and that, is perished by this consciousness that takes flight. I nourish myself in the truth of the sacred seed sounds that repeat themselves seamlessly.  The boundaries dissolve, I am in this body and not.  The naturalness of my being becomes ever more present.

I pray for those who are suffering, for those who are in the bardo of grief and loss.  All the human beings who are sick and diseased, who are hungry and homeless. I pray for those who are mentally ill and imprisoned, drug addicted, violent, and murderous. I ask in the name of all that is holy that my fasting will bring peace, love and compassion to this world. I bow to those enlightened beings, ever present, who have devoted their lives to the awakening of humanity. I dedicate any merit from this abstinence to the restoration of divine consciousness, that we may all realize the beauty and peace of our true and abiding nature.

santidevi

Our world is evolving.  The recent global economic challenges have inspired anxiety and fear.  Our standard of living and way of life feels threatened.  What was once appeared dependable and immune to loss has fallen.  We feel overwhelmed and helpless, our very survival feels compromised. The illusory nature of the temporal world has revealed itself.  What appears as real one moment disappears the next, thus is the nature of Maya.    

The Ego is intolerant of anything that creates a sense of vulnerability.  It readily enlists fear, intimidation, ultimatums, anxiety and depression as the means to control our thoughts and behavior.  It seeks to dominant our experience, as well as destroy our sovereignty.  We avoid fear at all cost so we allow the Ego to persecute us into submission.  What happens when we stop fearing the fear?  When fear is no longer resisted, when we actually allow it to be, something quite miraculous occurs…

Fear is a great ally in Awakening, it is the tool of liberation.  For when we bow to our fear, when we surrender to the unknown that is life, we are no longer trying to escape.  We don’t have to because we are not bound.  When we realize this, the Ego loses its power to seize control of our Being.  We become Fearless! 

As institutions, governments, corporations, political figures and economies rise and fall, do not judge, analyze or anticipate the outcome.  No assessment or commentary is valuable or necessary.  Accept what Is.  We do this by being receptive to life, by receiving all that we experience with equanimity.   Abide in a state of non-resistance.  In doing so, you will align yourself with the flow of the Divine.

The only constant in the universe is change.  

What is of this world is subject to the cycles of nature.  The tree comes forth from the seed, the seed bears fruit that ripens, it eventually falls to the ground and decays. Why?  For it has fulfilled its purpose.  Why mourn, why fear?  As the fruit lies rotting, it enriches the soil from which the seed will root and grow. Do not attach yourself to the ebb and flow of cyclical phenomenon. Go within and be still.  Contemplate, what is enduring and what is subject to change?

 In the midst of the movement of the Creative be silent. Watch the dance of the Divine as it transforms energy into form.  Observe how one begets the other.   

When we observe this process, it is Inspiring because we see the providence of Divine intelligence expressing itself.  This Consciousness is Purposeful!  That is its inherent nature.  It is bountiful, abundant, infinitely compassionate and unfailing in its ability to nourish life!  What may look like the end is merely the beginning.  From the perspective of the Absolute, the beginning and end is nonexistent for it is only the One.  

Therefore, do not fear but rejoice!  Shed your uncertainty and anxiety!  Reside in the moment, in the Truth!  You are not bound, you needn’t suffer.  Suffering is an absence of Consciousness.  When we are aware of our Immortal and Sacred nature suffering ceases and life becomes meaningful.

See the beauty and the blessing that these times bestow.  See each and every experience as a gift from the Source of your own true Being!  It is intended to Awaken you, to foster trust and faith in yourself and in the Grace that is Life.  

Now sit quietly and observe your breath, until it becomes natural and rhythmic.  Abide in the Silence.  Let that Silence become the spaciousness of your experience.  Whatever arises is absorbed in the spaciousness of your Being.  No resistance, no effort, no will, no judgement.  Be where you are.  Repeat within, I Am Divine, I Am Divine, I Am Divine.  

Om Shanti, Shanti, Shantihi,

Santi Devi