I open my heart to the voice that lies in wait, the seer that is my steadfast companion.  I am listening.  ”You’ve been a brave one.”  I sit with these words.  A brave one.  I see the incarnations of my soul.  I am, in my briefness, but a thread in a weave that is timeless, endless. Yes, I have been branded to the bone, a brave one.

I feel like I have just been given my knighthood, and quite unexpectedly.  Honored by my Sovereign for the battles I have fought, for the perseverance under fire, and my refusal to sacrifice the truth.  I vowed early on to honor the sacred . To be true, to what I knew to be true.  To believe in myself and in life, even when circumstances challenged my faith, and I felt no belonging in the world.  I swore not to die until I was dead, to resurrect myself from the fiery ash unscathed until the end of time. To rise when I was cratering, to believe when I lost all hope.  I bow to that force inside of me that has never failed to make me who I am. What a will, what grace.  I feel for a moment the greatness that has fostered me and I am humbled.

Despite pain, grief, judgement, criticism, ridicule, and even violence I have refused to surrender who I am for who I am not. Unwilling to forfeit the truth for comfort, or my soul for the temporal pleasures of the world.  I have wanted to experience the truth, the essence, what was real and enduring in this world.  This has been my quest. I have listened to the wild hearted Soul within, when reason begged me to to do anything but.  I have been led into the frightfulness of the borderlands, where feral things roam, and all the will in the world will not keep you safe.  I have been shown that there isn’t anything to fear, that I can surrender, that the stars will shine in the dark and I will find my way. I have not felt as brave as I have felt compelled. Without fear I would never known what it means to be brave, would never have engaged with the world as I have.

What have I championed since I came into this life?  My true Self, the part of me that is immortal, awake, innocent, pure, loving, whole unto itself. As a young child I often saw adults that were hollowed, bitter, lifeless and longing creatures.  As a result I didn’t want to grow up, I wanted to valiantly protect the sanctity of my own nature.  The sacred peace, love and joy that I knew to be myself.  I wanted to maintain my wakeful perception, to be in constant communion with the numinous.  I wanted to keep my wings as I walked this earth.

I have only gratitude for the struggles that have given me the opportunity to rise.  I no longer fear the abyss of the unknown for it has become my home.  Life has taught me that true strength lies in my ability to surrender, to be vulnerable, to expose myself to the fearsome fearlessly.  This is freedom.

How are you brave?

love,

santidevi

As a direct descendent of Patrick Henry, “the give me liberty or give me death Henry”, I have all of my life been wed to the highest ideal of liberation. It is in my blood. I have dedicated my life to liberating those who suffer, to illuminating the truth, to removing that which binds. I have found that it is the mind itself that either oppresses or liberates. Even those in the most heinous and dehumanizing situations can remain internally free. How we interpret our reality, our experience, determines the quality of our lives. A worthy example follows.

I have been mired for the past several weeks in the interpretative aspect of my mind. I have been strategizing, analyzing, and in the end drawing erroneous conclusions about the state of my life. I have experienced intellectual mayhem, the result of trying to find a suitable answer to my livelihood dilemma. As if the process of mere “thinking” would be enough to resolve the issue. The more I think the less present I am. The more present I am the more relaxed I feel. In being relaxed I connect effortlessly to a timeless state of consciousness. This expansiveness lends itself to non-linear modes of cognition, to transcendental knowledge that is liberating. This is the realm where I know that I don’t need an answer. What a relief.

I have struggled this last year to exclusively support myself doing what it is that I love, writing and teaching. I have known my whole life that it was my spiritual destiny, the work that I was intended to do! I had such clarity of purpose, such a heartfelt knowing that this was the fulfilling of my dharma. The fact that it failed to be a viable living was devastating. I felt disappointed, and discouraged. Wallowing in an apathetic demise, suffering overshadowing the joy my heart tried in vain to awaken. I felt abandoned. If not this then what? Was it possible, that it wasn’t possible? Self-doubt and anger plagued my heart. Only solitude could soothe the deep pain that I felt. I needed time to crater in the ruin of my attachments. To be in that lonely, “I don’t know what else to do place,” that is painful to the touch.

There is nothing like retreating from the world, from the ravages of the mind, to restore one’s relative sanity. I became contemplative, self-reflective. Was I attached to how my work should look? Had “I” designated it as “spiritual work” to the exclusion of other forms of work I had done in my life? Did it truthfully have greater value, merit or importance? How could I ever determine that? Isn’t it about who I am, not what I do? What determined spiritual work? Did it really matter what I did? I began to see how far I had wandered from my own knowing. In the most compassionate way, I was shown that there is no greater or lesser thing that I can do in this world. It is simply a matter of awareness, of recognizing that whatever I do with love is my work!

Something truly amazing happened through this process… I felt my own small contributions to humanity. They were not epic or grand. They were in fact, simple moments in time. Those moments happened in the world, within the context of people’s lives, not necessarily within a classroom, not on a blank page. I had in my own quiet way brought truth, love, compassion, peace, healing and freedom to those in need. I didn’t create those opportunities they were given to me. They will always be given to me.

In the darkest times in my life I have discovered an inner strength and power, an ability to trust in the forces that were conspiring to make me real. At the height of fear I have felt the birth of courage. When I’ve been certain that I couldn’t endure, something within miraculously restores me to life, puts flesh on my bones, and air in my lungs. “Your not done yet, so rise.” This is how I have become authentic. I have learned how to surrender, to accept what I most ardently resist with faith. I don’t know where I will be led, how I will earn my living, where I will live or much of anything else. What I do know is that I can trust in life. I remember the truth, I hold the keys to my own freedom. Hail Libertas!

Happy New Year,
love,
santidevi

Students have come to me in internal conflict, in a state of disharmony and suffering. They are in opposition with themselves and their experience. They invariably believe that their unrest is a result of their personal circumstances.  They try to manipulate, control and otherwise alter their external experience believing that peace lies in the resolution of dissent.  Peace is not reliant upon agreement.  Otherwise it would be a temporary phenomenon dependent upon ones ability to negotiate conditions. The beauty of conflict is that it generates the longing for peace.

Generally speaking people contrive “peace” as the equivalent of having their personal desires fulfilled. This will not grant peace because the nature of  desire is insatiability.  Peace is the absence of desire.  Peace is the unequivocal acceptance of things as they are.  Peace is a choice. 

Peace as an enduring condition arises spontaneously and naturally when the mind is still.  When you no longer object or resist what arises in the field of your experience.  When you enter into a state of non-resistance you immediately feel a spaciousness and freedom.  Ironically whenever you try to control your experience you lessen your personal freedom.  You limit your choices.  Acceptance creates possibility.  You can’t fully engage in life unless your willing to surrender the illusion and dysfunction of control.

Do you truly know which of your experiences are of redeeming value and which are not?   Has anything ever happened against your will that proved to be grace?   Has any disappointing moment led to a greater opportunity?  Salvation often comes in the form of tragedy.  There have been times in my life when I have fallen headlong into suffering that scraped the flesh from my bones only to find that my descent into pain and darkness was my deliverance.  I have learned not to judge what appears at my feet or knocks at my door. What appears initially as misfortune is often the gift I have prayed most devoutly for.  

I have learned throughout my life that where ever I proceed with judgement I am humbled.  Whenever I resist my experience I create suffering.  When I desire things to be other then they are I miss the grace inherent in the moment.  I have found that peace is the natural state of the mind.  As I return breath by breath to the vulnerability of my mortal self I feel compassion well within my heart.  Peace in the end is love.

santidevi

Attachment breeds suffering. When you approach life from a state of attachment or expectation you will always experience disappointment, pain and suffering. Attachment creates contraction and contraction limits your ability to connect with the Source. When you’re not connected to the Source of your Being you feel anxious, fearful, depressed and overwhelmed. The more you try to manipulate, control and possess your life the more obstacles you encounter. Freedom lies in nonresistance.  When you relate to life without attachment and without expectation you respond to life in a truly creative and genuine way. You are more efficient, and your actions becomes an effortless expression of your innate nature.

You become attached by virtue of desire. Desire breeds attachment.  By dissolving your desires you will eliminate your attachments.  This will ultimately lead to true freedom. Fulfillment of worldly desire is merely a temporary joy only serving to deepen your insatiability. When you’re no longer attached you spontaneously experience the essence of life, its Truth and intrinsic beauty. Nothing can be really known or truly loved without non-attachment. Do not mistake non-attachment with being detached. It is an altogether different condition.  Detachment is a life limiting and self defensive response that results from not wanting to engage, or connect. It disables your perceptual and associative abilities.  Whereas, non-attachment actually serves to expand your awareness and deepen your relationship to life.

santidevi