I still have no return ticket. Through a constellation of uncertain events I will find my way. The only thing I do know is that I will board a train in Dublin bound for Galway. It is not a hospitable time to go, as it rains more in February than in any other month, and is miserably cold. Tourists are wise enough to wait until late spring and summer to make their way to this seaside destination. Gratefully I am a traveler, travelers don’t depend on ideal conditions, we tend to thrive in anything but.

Galway is known as the “City of Tribes”, steeped in tradition, it is Ireland’s cultural heart. Gaeilge, the native mother tongue is still spoken here. The city is famed for having more images of mermaids than any other place in Ireland. Mermaids have always held a special place in my psyche, as I too have felt only partly human, living between two worlds.

As some of you may have remembered from earlier writings, the western coast of Ireland is where the location astrologer was certain I would find my true home, and spiritual tribe. He wisely knew to pin me, to a place where gypsies roam, and fairies fly.

His proclamation was not a surprise as it has been a dream of mine since I was a child to go to the land of mists, a haven for mystics and the spiritually inspired. Ireland is an in-between place, where the veil thins, where the seen and the unseen merge, and where people with “the sight”, are a natural resource. I will be amongst my kind. A geography historically occupied by spiritual adepts and those who possess high esoteric knowledge. The legendary druids, the Tuatha De Danann, as well as seers, musicians, poets and healers, lay claim to this lineage. It is a place steeped in mythical lore. Will my ancestral roots unearth, my clan claim me as their own? Will Brigit, “the exalted one” initiate me into the mysteries of my kin?

The beauty of my soul, the grace by which I live fills me with a love so satisfying, so holy. I feel in this moment as if every breath of my existence has been a sacrament. My path is timeless, where all that is, has been, and will be, exists as seamlessly. I dwell silently within the sanctum of my body as Ireland floats, a cloud upon the sea…

santidevi

I begin to find my feet.  Nothing feels entirely familiar at the moment.  I was internal for so long that engaging in the world seems utterly foreign.  It is as though I am here for the first time. The solitude and silence that characterized the duration of my fast, has lent a simplicity to my life.  There is a natural, slow rhythm that defines my movements, the tempo of my mind.  My consciousness has become more flexible, more fluid… less contracted, unattached.  When one is completely emptied, the truth becomes self-evident. Being stripped to the bone, I was left with the “so ham” of my breath, and it was enough.  The extraneous was shed without any sense of personal loss… What is intrinsic endures, the immortal is without end.

It is as though my body, for the first time in my life has “embodied” the vastness of my Soul, and has submitted completely to it’s sovereignty.  The two are now as One. Synchronized as it were.  I FEEL the innate and indwelling intelligence directing my experience.  I FEEL its Presence. There is a new-found acuity that illuminates my Being, a softness that has penetrated my heart.  It was as if I was never born, or will never die.  There is a sense of being ETERNAL, here in this moment.  So grateful for the forces that tirelessly shook me loose.

I listen to the leaves fly, as the wind carries them in dust devil spirals into the air. People scatter in the high desert tsunami… winter has arrived.  I watch the snow fall.  Snow has a silence that intrigues me.  I watch it accumulate in fragile impermanence.  The trees bow to the seasons arrival. Non-resistance. What I know, I have learned through observing natural phenomenon, it has proven to be a master teacher.  It has taught me that every act is purposeful, every experience, in its essence, benevolent.  It has shown me that there is a field where all things manifest and take form, return and dissolve, in an endless unfolding. The miraculous, being no more then its humble expression.

The retreat is cancelled.  I bow.  I wonder how I will make my living?  I arrived home from India exactly a year ago to an economy that was breathing its last, my income evaporated over night.  By the grace of a dear friend and student I have been kept afloat while I have tried to resurrect my livelihood. It is incredibly humbling to be dependent on someone else’s generosity, to need financial help for the most basic of necessities.  The ego will always surface when our very survival is at risk.  I have watched the parade of emotions in response to my circumstances, deep uncertainty, underlying anxiety, sheer terror!  Moments of genuine clarity, unrelenting faith and invincible trust. Navigating unchartered waters that have challenged me to practice what I know to be true, to abide in that, despite the hell storm of an ego that felt suddenly extinguished.  Staying the course, persevering in the face of seemingly insurmountable obstacles is the only difference between success and failure, between the heroines journey, and the refusal to heed the call. When we give up on what we know we are to do in this world, there is a loss of Soul that is more dismembering then any earthly trial could ever be.

I remain true to the one thing that I must… my Self.  I do not know How I will continue to fulfill this dharma that has shaped my life.  The beauty is I don’t have to know How.  I am still learning how to discern when it is time to wait & when it is time to act.  When we are anxious about our uncertain lives, it is human nature to want to Make something happen!  This is reactive and fear based.  Understandable yet not wise.  I am here to serve, to awaken those who are ripened and willing.  The form that takes is truly irrelevant.  I am reminded of this today.  My blessed Shannon, a light in the tyranny of darkness, illuminated my heart from the throes of a discouragement that had taken hold of me. In her presence I found my Self again.  Thank you Shannon, for bringing me to the sanctity and sanity of the present.  This is what we do, this is who we are.

I have always found my way, even in the dark.  Resources have quite magically appeared and by grace, allowed me to continue my work.  Nothing has changed, everything has changed. The mind both binds and liberates, I choose liberation.

santidevi

I write this post with a certain apprehension.  You see this is the third time that I have written “Every Moment Grace.” The prior two entries written on consecutive days were mistakenly erased.  Ironic.  As the words vanished before my eyes I was confident that I would be able to retrieve them.  Alas, even the technological guru’s were mystified.  Thus I was given another opportunity to bow before the Divine, to relinquish my attachment. To let go. 

Truth:  What is intrinsic to who I am can never be lost.

I have been challenged by spirit all of my life to live what I know to be true.

To trust with absolute faith, that every experience of my life is an act of grace.

Grace is defined as“the freely given unmerited favor and love of God.”I have known this in joy and in sorrow, for grace is truly whatever awakens us to a deeper level of consciousness. Pain, suffering and loss are harbingers of transformation. These experiences take us to the marrow of our being, to the core of our human longing. They inspire and challenge our strength and courage and ultimately reveal that every moment is possessed with meaning and value. They connect us to the present and illuminate our true nature. I have never not known the “unmerited favor and grace of God.  In fact I have felt it most keenly in the most traumatic moments of my life.  I have been made whole and holy by“ill fate.”  

Sacred pain is the “great awakener,”and it is inescapable. It is the light that pierces the darkness of our ignorance. For it connects us to the truth of our circumstance, to the depth of our feeling, to the calling of the soul.  It carries us limp and lost into the sanctity of our interior.  It swiftly removes the superficial and the extraneous. We are left with what is raw and real, intrinsic and eternal.  In our naked emptiness we are liberated.  Pain is grace.  

The greater the adversity the greater the opportunity for transcendence.  When we exhaust our own “known” abilities and resources in times of adversity, we are forced to surrender. This surrender allows us to experience the deeper levels of our nature.  Here we are freed of all resistance, judgement, and effort.  Thus we access the part of ourselves that exceeds the boundaries and limitations of our usual modes of perception. We awaken. Adversity hones our virtue, inspires our innovation and creativity and fosters an endurance and perseverance that defies our own will.  It whispers to our reluctancy and fear… Rise! And so against all odds we do.   

  To live in a state of grace is to be in communion with the Divine. 

  I have awakened to this truth.  Life is grace. It is continually conspiring to choreograph our lives in a way that is awakening and liberating.  We must be willing to surrender our expectations, our attachments, our limiting belief systems, and our incessant need to control our experiences.  How is this done?  By radical acceptance and trust.  Faith in what cannot be known, rationalized or reasoned.  This requires a perceptual lens that sees the world in all its beauty and horror as ultimately benevolent. A desire to willing sacrifice the sovereignty of the ego to the sacred fire of consciousness.  This is a ritual we enact every moment that we wake up.  For in that instance we are no longer possessed by our conditioning, by our thinking minds. We allow the power of our own consciousness to illuminate our experience and define our path.

Remember whatever we bow to becomes our teacher.  Bow, bow deeply.

santidevi

The difference between fiction and truth is that fiction makes sense. Truth is never what you expect it to be. It is not conceptually derived.

One of my teachers wisely cautioned me not to judge where the truth comes from. Anyone can awaken you. The teacher can appear at anytime in any guise. Most likely in a form that transcends ones bias. My teachers have appeared as children, beggars, the homeless and the mentally ill.

I have found beauty and truth in places of great poverty and despair. I have found grace in suffering.  In every experience I have discovered liberation. Thus I have come to know that truth is ever present.  It is inherent in human nature and experience.

Truth can arise in the heart of ignorance. Thus it is irrepressible, omnipotent and omnipresent.  Even when knowledge dawns the longing for Truth remains.

Everything is a means to realization.

Abiding in this truth all experience has value, every moment enlightenment.  At the height of human suffering it is Truth that liberates us.  Allowing us to see and experience life as it Is without judgement, expectation or attachment.  In this way we return to our natural state of being.  Pure consciousness. 

Truth is simple and pure, uncomplicated and real, illuminating and subtle. When the mind surrenders truth becomes self evident. With eyes to see and ears to hear the truth is revealed in the heart of the receptive. 

Contemplate:

What is truth?

How do I know when something is true?

Who can deliver the truth?

What is my relationship to truth?

What value does it have in my life?

santidevi