United with my beloved, I give myself to the unknown, to the fatefulness and beauty of being human. The ground shakes and I tremble into a faith that never fails me. Celebrating the slow even pulse inside that tells me I am still alive, I am still breathing.  Aware of a fleeting self that is completely absorbed in silence, as formless as mist.

I walk on South Broadway after dinner and a street woman approaches me.  I tell her that I have no money or I would give it to her.  She says that’s ok… we are just here. I only have this food I reply.  She takes it gratefully, we look deeply into each other’s eyes, unwavering and still. Do you feel the energy she asks?  Yes. Thank you for the love. I bow and take her cold hand to my lips. It is covered in a worn, fingerless glove that smells of smoke and homeless living. I kiss it. She takes mine and does the same.  All time stops.  We part without another word spoken. We have shared in one brief moment the Oneness of our belonging. The greatest of all gifts is priceless. Love. Without anything we gave it freely.

I want to embrace the whole of humanity.  To bring forth the power of the love that continues to eclipse all else within me.  I feel its PRESENCE, its illuminating light and expansion.  This alone can feed the masses and change our world.  Where there is LOVE there is PEACE, where there is peace there is TRUTH and where there is truth there is LIBERATION.

My feet are being planted deeply into the terra firma.  In this journey I am realizing how inseparable the mundane practicalities of human life are from what is deemed “spiritual”.  Every aspect of human life is sacred and sublime, the living and the dying.  As I sit in the uncertainty of being unemployed, with no financial reserve and bills due ,I feel a peace that would seem to have no place in this moment.  I feel the panic, it rises in waves against this unyielding peace, I feel the fear that threatens to over run the truth of my knowing, but it is powerless.  I watch it all unfold and I breathe.  I know without any question in my heart that I will be supported. Each moment I awaken to gratitude, to the LOVE of my life.

Love,

Santidevi

I immediately see the symbolism of the choreography that is unfolding before my eyes, and how it relates to my own life at this moment.  The eagle is pure consciousness, the supreme sovereign, that which is eternal, and unbound.  The crow is the ego aspect of the mind, that which is unconscious, transient and distinctly mortal.  The ego is constantly trying to maintain control of the individual consciousness and will resort to nearly any means to assert its will and dominance.  It’s uncanny in its ability to determine exactly when you are most vulnerable to its influence.  I have worked for years at subduing the power the ego has upon my thoughts, words, behavior and character.  I have become very astute at knowing when it is present, even in subtle form.  Generally I am aware of when it surfaces, or is trying to seize control.  But I am not beyond being humbled by its sudden resurrections!

The recent financial stress, the fear and uncertainty of not being able to meet my obligations created the perfect climate for the ego to take prominence.  I found my mind increasingly beleaguered by negative and self-limited thinking.  Always an indication, that the ego has made an entrance.  I began to interpret my current situation as a reflection of my personal value and worth, identifying myself with my corrosive thoughts and feelings.  I was placing unreasonable demands upon myself, insisting that I DO something to alleviate my circumstances. Try harder!  Take control!  Use more effort!  Side note:  effort fueled by fear creates contraction, contraction creates disconnection, disconnection, creates isolation. I was spiraling into an ever widening and dark abyss.  DANGER WILL ROBINSON!  It has been along time since I have felt pulled into the current of unconsciousness.  I no longer felt the ever present, peace and stillness of my being.  I felt, as dramatically as it may sound, that I had been abducted and was being held hostage by a self proclaimed anarchist. Actually that is a fairly accurate assessment of what had happened.  I was no longer awake, aware, or present… the ego was at the helm!

Do you know what finally woke me up, several days later?  Pain.  Pain is the great Awakener.  I was creating a reality that was UNREAL. None of what I was thinking was actually happening.  I was creating an inferno of self-imposed suffering. “Suffering is an absence of presence.” I heard internally the illuminating truth, the power of my own words, of my most intimate understanding.  I realized in that moment the fictional, and illusionary quality of my fear, how I had drawn apocalyptic conclusions about my situation, which I had ignorantly equated with my life!  How I was judging my experience, instead of merely observing it.  Do you see how swiftly the ego aspect of the mind can commandeer our lives and create havoc if we are not Mindful?  You see, the mind both binds, and liberates. This is the paradox.  My mind had put me into an airless box without windows, yet it also in the end, freed me.  It’s not that I didn’t know all of what I just recited prior to the experience, I did.  Thus is the power of fear to undermine our skills, and compromise our abilities.

This is the interesting thing about life we are never done learning, growing, expanding and evolving, no matter whom we are.  As a teacher I am first and foremost a student.  We are all challenged to practice, to live according to our deepest truth and understanding. Becoming impartial to our experience is very important in spiritual life, being able to accept with equanimity whatever arises.  This deep acceptance of what is, is the true home of faith, peace and happiness. I continue to learn this.

As soon as I woke up, { began to consciously observe my mind } the serene and meditative quality that normally characterizes my state of being returned spontaneously.  It was always there. I am the one who departed when I became possessed by the throes of a panicked ego. Nothing in my external world has changed and yet I am at peace.  Was the whole process really necessary?  Is there anything in life that does not serve our evolution?  Experience, has wisely taught me, not to judge how I am transformed, or awakened. I have also learned the value of not destructively criticizing or blaming myself for my lapse of awareness.  Each time, I know that a profound transformation has occurred, a shift that invariably brings greater clarity and understanding.  I am brought to my knees and humbled, certain of only one thing… still breathing.

I am so grateful for what I have, for the gift and grace that is my life.

santidevi

My life has never felt so precarious. My strategy has always been not to live with a plan.  I have never been a logical sort or one to trust in the rational.  I love the uncertainty, and the feeling of possibility that it ignites. I know that whatever my simple mind can construct as a worthy goal, would be a mere shadow of what the spirit in me is destined for.  I trust in the synchronicities, in the seemingly coincidental, and I look for signs.  I listen.  Living in this way requires a certain amount of detachment, a lessening of personal agenda and in the end a true surrender to an unconventional life.  There are times when I have questioned my course, when I’ve made hard choices based on my personal value system and integrity, and not on what made sense.  Suddenly changing direction just when my life had taken on some semblance of stability and order. I have learned not to get too comfortable, or to presume upon my circumstances.  It suits my sensibilities to be adaptively flexible, to allow my life to transform at will.

In this fasting I have realized ever more clearly the value I place upon being absolutely true to my Self.  Living in harmony with my true nature and expressing it in word, action and deed.  Bringing my spirit into the world in a way that has value and meaning.  Returning to the simple as my guide. I choose to live with gratitude and reverence, to greet each moment with awareness.  I Am, all that I seek.  This truth fills me with peace.  I live knowing that I am fulfilling my purpose, that my very existence is a divine blessing.  My body is empty, but my heart is full.  At day 24, I am surrendering ever more deeply to the quiet depths of my Soul, bowing still.

santidevi

Students have come to me in internal conflict, in a state of disharmony and suffering. They are in opposition with themselves and their experience. They invariably believe that their unrest is a result of their personal circumstances.  They try to manipulate, control and otherwise alter their external experience believing that peace lies in the resolution of dissent.  Peace is not reliant upon agreement.  Otherwise it would be a temporary phenomenon dependent upon ones ability to negotiate conditions. The beauty of conflict is that it generates the longing for peace.

Generally speaking people contrive “peace” as the equivalent of having their personal desires fulfilled. This will not grant peace because the nature of  desire is insatiability.  Peace is the absence of desire.  Peace is the unequivocal acceptance of things as they are.  Peace is a choice. 

Peace as an enduring condition arises spontaneously and naturally when the mind is still.  When you no longer object or resist what arises in the field of your experience.  When you enter into a state of non-resistance you immediately feel a spaciousness and freedom.  Ironically whenever you try to control your experience you lessen your personal freedom.  You limit your choices.  Acceptance creates possibility.  You can’t fully engage in life unless your willing to surrender the illusion and dysfunction of control.

Do you truly know which of your experiences are of redeeming value and which are not?   Has anything ever happened against your will that proved to be grace?   Has any disappointing moment led to a greater opportunity?  Salvation often comes in the form of tragedy.  There have been times in my life when I have fallen headlong into suffering that scraped the flesh from my bones only to find that my descent into pain and darkness was my deliverance.  I have learned not to judge what appears at my feet or knocks at my door. What appears initially as misfortune is often the gift I have prayed most devoutly for.  

I have learned throughout my life that where ever I proceed with judgement I am humbled.  Whenever I resist my experience I create suffering.  When I desire things to be other then they are I miss the grace inherent in the moment.  I have found that peace is the natural state of the mind.  As I return breath by breath to the vulnerability of my mortal self I feel compassion well within my heart.  Peace in the end is love.

santidevi

Thoughts create your emotional experience.  Whatever you think produces a physiological as well as an emotional response.  Thought creates form. Whatever you think you become. Thoughts and emotions are not powerful in and of themselves but  become so when you invest them with identification.  You cannot have a single thought or emotion that does not effect your entire being.

Emotions are the energetic impression of your thoughts.  You are not your emotions.  Emotions are a transient phenomenon that arises as a byproduct of your thinking process.  There is a direct correlation between their duration and your willingness to empower them.  By identifying yourself with your emotional condition you authorize and surrender your authority and self control.   This is why extreme emotional responses lead to feelings of helpless and paralysis.  Whatever you identify with you become energetically bound to. 

Experiment with this by observing how your state of mind effects your emotional experience.  Begin by thinking of something that is sorrowful or distressing.  Allow yourself to completely identify with what your thinking. What arises in the body, how do you respond emotionally?  What happens to the breath, to your heart rate?  Just notice with your “witnessing consciousness.” Now let it go. Now think of something that is joyful or pleasing.  Once again focus all of your awareness and intention on  that thought.  What sensations emerge, how does your body feel?  How has the breath changed?  

Be aware of  the direct relationship of  the mind and the emotions.  By simply observing your thoughts without attachment you can reside in the spaciousness of equanimity. The next time you find yourself in an emotional state bring your awareness to the condition and become the “observer.” Watch with detachment and non-judgement.  Stay connected to your breath and stay absolutely present to the experience.  This practice will allow you to begin to discern the real from the unreal.  The transient from the eternal.

Om,

Santi Devi