There is only you, and you in this little inhale of a life.  What’s truer than my love my beloved, than these salty tears that fill my heart.  What is truer than this fire that burns me white ash and rain, that tenders my spirit?  What is truer than the devi that makes love to me, that whispers my name in unspoken tongue.

Who am I in this flesh and bone?  I am a body of grace licked clean, sweat and fear rising out of the nebula of my womb.

Oh my darling, shining, white haired child, that dances naked feet and twirling.  You are my ‘ I Am,” picking wild grown wonder out of thin air.  Rooted in the soil of my body, despite the holocaust.  You still peer out on a mystical land where lions roam, oh sweet and feral innocence.  All I am, I Am.

The red balloon takes air, small perfection and blue sky.

I am here, here I Am, my waiting so near.  Braille beneath my fingertips, encoded in my like the memory of Ireland and Mr. Devi and the man at the door of room 105.  The Spanish flute song that serenaded my thirst.  I feel you in me like the fluids of my body coursing.  A hum of you on my lips, your baby skin shining luminous in the half moon of my belly.  Arrow left you said while you slipped into the life that left with the sun.  Dubai…

What is left in this thin pulse and yearn?  My Self grows translucent and the stones are stacked, desert cairns… and the only way home.  My hair touches the ground.  I sing my chanting soul, cell by cell resurrecting Eve, my lady of Guadalupe, Danu, Kali Ma, Hera, Quan Yin, Magna Dea, and the holy of the holy… Salvation.

Wake up, wake up the light is shining.  I am listening my Beloved, I am bowing, fill me, fill me.

This was written in the process of yoga, movement, breath, surrender, cellular memory, tears, and joyful reunion.  Thank you Hawah for your gifts, presence, self inquiry and seva.  I am so grateful.

love,

Santidevi

http://www.everlutionary.net/

I open my heart to the voice that lies in wait, the seer that is my steadfast companion.  I am listening.  ”You’ve been a brave one.”  I sit with these words.  A brave one.  I see the incarnations of my soul.  I am, in my briefness, but a thread in a weave that is timeless, endless. Yes, I have been branded to the bone, a brave one.

I feel like I have just been given my knighthood, and quite unexpectedly.  Honored by my Sovereign for the battles I have fought, for the perseverance under fire, and my refusal to sacrifice the truth.  I vowed early on to honor the sacred . To be true, to what I knew to be true.  To believe in myself and in life, even when circumstances challenged my faith, and I felt no belonging in the world.  I swore not to die until I was dead, to resurrect myself from the fiery ash unscathed until the end of time. To rise when I was cratering, to believe when I lost all hope.  I bow to that force inside of me that has never failed to make me who I am. What a will, what grace.  I feel for a moment the greatness that has fostered me and I am humbled.

Despite pain, grief, judgement, criticism, ridicule, and even violence I have refused to surrender who I am for who I am not. Unwilling to forfeit the truth for comfort, or my soul for the temporal pleasures of the world.  I have wanted to experience the truth, the essence, what was real and enduring in this world.  This has been my quest. I have listened to the wild hearted Soul within, when reason begged me to to do anything but.  I have been led into the frightfulness of the borderlands, where feral things roam, and all the will in the world will not keep you safe.  I have been shown that there isn’t anything to fear, that I can surrender, that the stars will shine in the dark and I will find my way. I have not felt as brave as I have felt compelled. Without fear I would never known what it means to be brave, would never have engaged with the world as I have.

What have I championed since I came into this life?  My true Self, the part of me that is immortal, awake, innocent, pure, loving, whole unto itself. As a young child I often saw adults that were hollowed, bitter, lifeless and longing creatures.  As a result I didn’t want to grow up, I wanted to valiantly protect the sanctity of my own nature.  The sacred peace, love and joy that I knew to be myself.  I wanted to maintain my wakeful perception, to be in constant communion with the numinous.  I wanted to keep my wings as I walked this earth.

I have only gratitude for the struggles that have given me the opportunity to rise.  I no longer fear the abyss of the unknown for it has become my home.  Life has taught me that true strength lies in my ability to surrender, to be vulnerable, to expose myself to the fearsome fearlessly.  This is freedom.

How are you brave?

love,

santidevi